tarynitup

I’ve beaten my head senseless for the last few months. Correction. Last 2 years.

Now, with every good memory, a painful one comes with it. I really needed them about my dad, but the absolute silence I got reminded me that they were only there when they got to sleep with me with no effort. Sorry, sometimes I forget that for a year, that’s all I was really wanted for… and for them to hurt me to the level I hurt them.

Maybe that kind of obsession is what was toxic. I was so in love with him, the things I saw as things about him that could use work as just… things about him. I didn’t want to ever tell him he was wrong, and even when I tried to gently, it was NEVER taken well, and I either kept my mouth shut for too long or it wouldn’t have mattered if I tried to say anything. Everything I said was taken as an attack, and SO much was made from a pleading desperation to just be heard.

One night, I had a bad night, and he put me in an old blue shirt of his, he got me a stuffed animal, and he put Clyde up in the bed with me, and he cried for me. I don’t remember what he said, but he said “maybe I know how you feel but nothing will make it better so all I know to do is to put you in my favorite shirt, with my favorite stuffed animal, and my favorite dog… and moments like that are why I can’t figure out if it was real.

The truth is- he was good to me at first when it was easy. Whatever the intentions were- I’ll never know, he goes back and forth… but he was done when he broke up with me before finding anything out… the rest was a fucked up game I didn’t deserve. He has no idea how much life kicked me down and karma came and collected and he has no fucking idea because I didn’t tell him. He doesn’t know what it’s like to feel like you can breathe and you have your person just to be quickly punched in the stomach and unable to breathe again. Like someone ties a rope around you and puts a t-shirt on over it so you know that you’re fucking stuck there and to watch what you say.

What the fuck was it?

I saw emotion when he went to quit his job, and I started to see him and his actual fucking feelings, and he closed off and ran. Whatever he’s running from will catch up to him, it always does. It caught up to me. He caught up to me.

They say the best way to change is to date yourself. Whoever said that is 1) a genius and 2) a dick. I was faced with someone that wasn’t really emotionally available, didn’t face conflict, had to always be right, got bored easily, and confused lust for love. I attempted half-ass to speak up about my feelings before checking out, I wanted people in my life but didn’t want to do the work to keep them because it was hard and I didn’t want to sacrifice anything I didn’t want to give up. I was selfish.

Then I met him.

He wasn’t that way at first… but towards the end, my therapist asked me if I recognized anyone in him and I already knew the answer. I used to refuse to go to places I knew my exes had gone with other people, was controlling over who they could talk to, I held grudges and I made people pay for hurting me.

Then I loved someone more than myself, and I saw something bigger than just me.

They never loved me. They never will. They’ve turned into a liar and sadly, someone I see as a coward.. but that’s not a ‘me’ problem anymore… it never was.

I tried to move on, met someone that was 34, had kids, divorced (new dealbreaker for me), retired marine, and was a consultant for like, 40 something pro-athletes and planned their charity events at his golf courses. Lasting longer than I thought it would, but it was annoying as fuck that I’d wake up SUPER early and he’d be like “it sucks to have a normal job, huh”. Maybe cute the first time, but if I didn’t respond within 1-2 hours, he’d be like “did you die?”. Add in getting voicemails from jail, drunk driving 60mph into a parked fucking car, phone call from an “ex”-wife, and the annoyance of him texting me ALLLLL fucking day. All he did was golf and get drunk and do ketamine and coke (didn’t know that one at first)… and one day I just said “you know, you’re a dick… truly, fuck all the way off”.

After a weekend of bad choices, I was going to take a break from people. I’ve been working my ass off, I don’t live here half of the time, I’m moving soon, I talk to around 60 people in person a day, and I was good in other departments for a while. I opened an app to put it on pause- and there was a message at the top and for some reason, I read it… and it said “dude, low-key I love taylor swift” and I’m not ashamed to say that the first conversation I had with this man was about taylor swift and EDM. More timid than I’ve ever been, I was kind of distant, and he asked me out about 4 hours into talking.

First green flag- I asked when and he said “you tell me when YOU’RE free and I’ll make myself free for you”..

So of course my toxic, untrusting ass kind of tested it. The next night, I’m on my way to a new Dave & Busters in Frisco, trying not to throw up. I told him I had to leave at 10:30 (I did, also prevented any funny business) This has ended fuckin badly for me, haven’t I learned? He sent me a pin to tell me where to park, which was hilarious because I genuinely hate parking in new places haha. I walk up to the front door and I had worked that day so I just had a blank tank top and jean shorts, I knew I was going to freeze in there and I didn’t even think about it, and I see him seeming relaxed until he saw me, and I swear to god I don’t think I’ve ever made anyone so nervous before. I don’t know what was in my drink, but half way through I was not anxious at all, and I thought it was the alcohol. He got more comfortable, I learned that he’s hella smart and is a software engineer. I noticed him actively trying to not look at my chest area, so I told him I was cold and I put on his hoodie and I watched his shoulders relax and I realize he was trying to be respectful, normally I would have said something, but this time.. I didn’t. First off, he beat me at cornhole and I was PISSED. We played games for a WHILE, but his 2nd green flag- he had me outside next to my car at 10:31 and I had never had someone respect my time so obviously and on-point. The goodbye was kind of awkward, and because I don’t do awkward- I asked him haha and like, 15 minutes later… I get this LONG text and it’s literally his thought process over the whole night… and I realized I had just met someone that was very open about his feelings, very ADHD like I was, and over-shares.

Without even me asking, he told me what his favorite thing about me was… and he’s the first person to ever not say “fun” the first time I ask them.

It was that I over-share and make him feel like he can tell me things too.

Not that I’m fun. Not that I’m pretty.

THAT I TALK TOO MUCH.

As I looked at the mini t-rex he got me with the points I mainly won (i’m lying, it was him)- I realized that my brain had just… shut off around him. I wasn’t anxious, I wasn’t hyper aware of things around me.. I was just me. Before 11, he asked me out 2 days later. What turned into a sunday brunch date idea turned into lunch, meow wolf, drinks, and a much less awkward goodbye. Again, realizing after he wasn’t around, my brain turned back on.

In the middle of lunch, he said “my goal with who my partner is is that they never feel like song ‘tolerate it’”

I COULD HAVE CHOKED

NO I DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING

When I found out about my dad, I wasn’t going to talk to him about it, but he called me and somehow knew something was wrong. He was there for me, and he didn’t get anything out of it. He heard my voice crack and just told me to cry and it was NOT something that I wanted to happen, but he just said “I understand you a lot more if that’s what you’ve dealt with your whole life, I won’t ever make you feel insignificant and WE just need to figure out the best way for you to never turn into that version of yourself you say you don’t like when you feel that way.”

I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t know if I have enough pieces of my heart left. I’ve been working on my health, my skin, and taking advantage of working in dermatology and having cosmetics. I could actually not give a fuck less if I date anyone quiteeeee literally ever again.

He. Fucked. Me. Up.

He made me hate the way I look. He made me hate the way I love. He made me hate the idea of marriage.

but, he allowed me to see all of these amazing things across the country…. because if it wasn’t for him being so in and out- I wouldn’t have booked all of those trips when he ran out again. Nothing was ever booked when we were in. On my side, anyway.

I was shitty to him. The truth is though- I stopped, and I became fucking great to him.

He was always half in with me. I can’t say that I wish the relationship didn’t happen- because I wouldn’t have grown out of that… but I do wish I had not met him. I wish his existence was wiped from my memory, because it was all complete fucking bullshit. Every time we talk and he tried to give me closure, he contradicted whatever he said the time before haha and I.. just can’t. I don’t want to.

“If I’m dead to you why are you at the wake?”

I don’t know what’s going to happen. I know that I deleted my dating app profiles, I know I chose to stay in Texas this weekend instead of going to Denver, and I know that I’m capable of running at any fucking minute. He told me he wasn’t going to let me push him away…

but people can fucking tell you they’re going to stay, they love you, they miss you, they think about you every day…

and it be total bullshit.

It’s all about perspective. I’m either down bad, or I’m down… looking up.