tarynitup

Taylor Swift talking how she wondered if she’d be as good at song writing when she wasn’t sad or was in love since everyone is so used to her writing break up songs… and it wasn’t until I was looking at the lack of blog posts I’ve done this year… what part do I dive in first?

The drafts.. oh god… how did someone NOT LOCK ME UP?! Jesus Christ… ya’ll really let me live with no hinges in sight for a minute…

I wasted SO MUCH TIME taking out my anger on my keyboard.. but it’s the only way that I didn’t go waterboard them with the words and I kinda like life on the outside… no prison bitches here. I went from sad to angry, and then back to sad, and then fought with acceptance because I HATE feeling indifferent to someone, but it’s the only way to fully shut off access from that person. At the end of the day- my problem is no matter what, I will still see them as a sad and hurt person instead of just a pure piece of shit and I empathize with the hurt version of them.. and my brain cannot and will not ever comprehend that some people are past saving themselves. The urge comes over like I’m their fucking moral teacher and I hate it but also, the first and last time I walked away from someone BEFORE the friendship or relationship was past the point of saving… she fucking died… so the 10 years I’ve wondered “if I had not walked out of her life for 3 months, would I have been able to help her?” and since then- people have to make it all the way through until I literally feel nothing… and the only thing I get better at is making that feeling happening faster.

What I’m learning now is that this hyper-independent life I know as my normal daily life will eventually be challenged… and I’m going to have to allow someone to help me emotionally… and what I thought I’ve wanted so badly and praying for someone to treat me right-

IT SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF ME

Chaos has been my comfort zone my whole life… even when I didn’t know it. I deeply need peace and safety, but I don’t know what that feels like. I figured I’d slow down, let something come to me if it’s supposed to, and then I’d notice it and I’d be careful with it… and now very aware of the difference a person can make on your nervous system. You feel that safety and it feels weird and unfamiliar but you also realize that your body and soul NEED that feeling, and then you’re aware of how easily you could fumble this but immediately tackle that with the thought of “BE NICER TO YOUR SELF” … and so we’re going through that battle…

Also, lets see how much someone new sparks the ability to use this as my outlet