tarynitup

I now understand what Taylor Swift meant when she wondered if she would be good once she wasn’t writing about being constantly heartbroken. We find outlets for pain we don’t know how to deal with, and sometimes they stay for a small time- as everything serves a purpose- but what happens when you realize why you were so good at certain outlets?

This mountain is still a fuckin mountain bro, whether I’m choosing to climb it this time vs getting shoved out of an aircraft with no parachute or climbing gear and having the shit enough luck to survive it to be forced to climb that mountain like every other time. I tell Chris A. that I know what I’m supposed to do and I know it because it’s the thing I’m most scared to do… and I used to think I was scared because of what people were going to think. How open am I comfortable being with people to accomplish my goal? I’ve started hoarding my ‘once in a lifetime’ style events and have put them into tiers that will be socially accepted in a conversation.. because you can’t dump all of that on someone at once. They either won’t believe you or they will think “there’s no way they’re a good person after all of that” … which is unfortunately the case with some people…

but i’m not some people.

I used to think I was, living inside of this little box I made (a mental prison) where I hid all my weirdness, all my curiosity, all of my discernment and the actual source of the glimmer of light I allowed out. Hidden from the world and after so many years- hidden from me.

One thing that’s always reassuring is that IDK how other people see it, IDC really… but I look at the photos of younger me and I’m like “yeah you little fuckin weirdo, I see you…” and I realize it was always there. It was just constantly corrected and over time, I felt like I was bad or wrong for being that way. People will see those photos and have no clue about what was going on behind them… but isn’t that the point? Post this picture, that’s not my good side. Post these photos so people don’t know we can’t stand each other but got pumpkin patch pictures. Don’t show any with the kids crying because we don’t need people thinking we’re bad parents (even though you gave your toddler 5 different snacks and 3 drinks and candy in bribery attempts). We just got engaged make sure to post it. “You haven’t even put your ring on.” We skipped family Christmas but stopped by to give the kids a gift and took a picture, make sure to post that one and say something sweet about being in the moment.

We don’t post messy.

We don’t post messy. We frown upon messy and judge other people’s messes as we ignore our own and justify it as “clutter”. But what if that’s where all of the little wins are hidden?

We criticize ourselves for having any kind of mess but then congratulating ourself for the self-growth and never seeing how we are setting a double standard for ourselves… setting an expectation of what a big win to forever be disappointed in life until you realize that a BIG win is just all of the little wins it took to get there combined into one.

After rain comes a rainbow… but why do we keep forgetting about the beautiful things the rain does?

When doing the right thing get harder- that’s the most important time to keep going. God and Satan know what you’re capable of… and God won’t lead you down a road that isn’t for you. Satan will send you your exes and triggers and addictions to try to get you to not pay attention to that Life GPS telling you not to trust old habits that smell like previous slept in bedsheets and it’s up to you that ‘familiar’ is more than likely NOT the way to go. And one thing that I know is true (because it’s happening now)- God will show you which way to go and he will show you what to stay away from that’s going to convince you to take that detour and reroute to your final destination with an extra 3 hours of drive time, 72 buckets of tears, a small piece of your soul gone but a really cute picture.

God will always reroute you. You just have to ask him… and mean it when you ask… and usually, sacrifice the thing you know is holding you back. Yeah, that thing. The thing you’re using to cope and quieten your brain a little, just sometimes, so the emotions aren’t so strong. You can tell the difference in the prayer. It literally feels like you’re at his feet and just saying “I don’ t know what else to do. I’ve tried everything besides just praying and letting you do this and I’ve tried to do it by myself and I keep failing… Please help me, please get me out of this sink hole I keep ending up in because I can’t do it on my own anymore”… the words “I promise to not do XYZ anymore, never again I promise” taking 30 minutes to come out of my slightly verbal but inaudible prayer because I knew once I said them, I was locked in that promise for life… and I knew that’s what needed to be done and that what once was a coping toy is now a forbidden fruit, getting the respect it deserves for teaching me how to cause the effects on my own with my own security as a person and security in who I am, and for teaching me that it’s okay to be goofy at shows…

(your people “watching” was actually anxiety and you weren’t enjoying the show like you should be because you were picking up on everyone’s emotions and energy in the crowd… thinking it was normal and you were just aware of people. )

**To the person I went to the most shows with- you wont read this but if you do- you were right about me not seeming like I had fun at shows and I know that I argued that and said “I loved going with you!”…. looking back at the photos and videos… I can definitely admit where I’m wrong and I owe you an apology for unintentionally gaslighting you into thinking I was having a blast… I never knew how to explain how I felt in a crowd and what I thought was just normal people watching was actually extreme overstimulation and emotional overload from crowds and it depleting my social battery I wasn’t yet aware existed. So yes, it looks like I was miserable because I was still- but when my attention wasn’t on everyone around me, I really did have fun. I just didn’t know how to express it yet.

But once I lost the ability to keep it inside the box of shows… I lost the privilege of having a right to do it at all. It served it’s time as a teacher and it became the bad influence friend that reminded you there’s always later to fully deal with your problems. I knew that I was coping to LITERALLY make my brain shut up… and I’ve known for a while career wise what direction he’s leading me TOWARDS and I ABSOLUTELY need my brain to not shut up to be successful at it. I need it to be clear.

I needed it to be sober.

I knew the voice that told me to get rid of anything that I may have had (and not to allow a “last time” because my life had, yet again, become a cycle of “last times” again) was Him because it was the same voice I heard the day of my wreck. “Throw it out, just get rid of it.” and as I ignored it, it got louder. “TRUST ME. YOU ASKED ME TO HELP. You don’t need it anymore, just trust me. Get rid of it and watch what I can do for you.” and I just did it. Whatever I had and the tool I used to shovel my mental grave.

I had the money I needed for my bills 9 hours before I thought I would and I didn’t need anyone’s help for it (and I earned it honestly) and I was able to actually take a day off and hang out with my girls. I now don’t have a roommate, and it was a negative at first but now I know what the boundary I was having a hard time setting needed to be. Losing her and the way she did it made me realize that if I forgive someone, I do it for me and not for them… but with my forgiveness comes a distance that the person will always stay. No matter how much I want it to, my heart will not be given twice… because I don’t take it back easily. The guilt from starting anything on my own is gone, I have a bigger bedroom and my ACTUAL computer desk back… and there’s like 149107431% less negativity in my house. I didn’t put up a fight to try to make her stay and I didn’t let it affect what I thought about myself and I realized that I finally have beaten those negative self beliefs.. and the more I practice it, the less likely they are to creep back in. I accepted the double financial responsibility overnight and didn’t have anxiety about it. I knew deep down, this was just God moving around the pieces… and she was in not only my way but hers as well.2 birds, one stone kinda move.

I like the light above the stove on at night because it’s just enough light for a nightlight. I like turning on my star projector and sitting in my floor and just existing. I like being able to eat an entire bag of goldfish in less than a day in my own bed, watching SpectrumTV like it’s the 2010s and I’m on direcTV. I like that I can book 2 flights to vegas and have enough left over to pay for most of a flight to a random place for a weekend in a couple of months… because free will.

I let God take the wheel and I’m in the passenger seat just being weird… beating my writers block.