tarynitup

does it make me a hypocrite or a hopeful person to sit here and post an instagram post about how you shouldn’t face things alone… as i feel the most alone i’ve felt in a long time?

a post about anxiety support… as i’m drowning in anxiety that nobody fully even knows…

it’s been a long time since i’ve sat here to write as tears just stream down my face… but here we are.

people want to talk about strength, but never the cost of it. emotional depth and intelligence is admired, but they don’t know the pain you feel- over anything and everything that hurts… with the only thing making it possible to survive is that you also feel joy and happiness at full volume. a nervous system that gets regulated for the first time in years is capable of a LOT more in life than the one that’s been fighting for it’s life, and it’s really easy to not know that when yours has been stuck in fight AND flight for years. feeling safety and being seen (knowing they chose a path that caused an expiration date) but having someone that makes your mind sign a peace treaty to itself is also a feeling that gets felt at full volume.

it’s easy to realize things about yourself- but to see it happening in real time and having to feel it and choose the way you’re going to be about it is a BITCH, and it’s nothing any therapist can prepare you for.

you have to remind yourself that we don’t act certain ways anymore, and that includes self sabotage/assumptions that it’s known how things will happen/walking away before i can feel forgotten… while allowing yourself to still admit the truth to yourself and letting it hurt because when you held it in, you eventually exploded… so you just- wait… and let things happen and just stay true to yourself.

YA KNOW, JUST TRAUMA SHIT.

people don’t understand the weight of how it feels to be one of the people the universe decided to make the example of how much one person can deal with in a lifetime before they fucking burst… and i don’t say that lightly. thinking back through all of the actual traumatic things i’ve had to deal with has now become embarrassing to ME, and i know what was my fault and what wasn’t. i feel like the more authentic i try to be, the more i become a target to learn some fucking hard lesson, and then meet someone that is going through something i can pull from the fucking table of contents to help them. my whole life, i’ve just scanned for danger and at this point, the only way to explain it is that my nervous system HURTS. i don’t know how else to say it. then- i make myself slow down and ask myself if i liked someone for who they were or how i felt when i was around them, ya know… so i’m not toxic and just choose it based on how i felt… and the answer to that was surprising to me, and immediately i knew it was going to be heartbreaking… and at no fault to them. once that was acknowledged and accepted, the walls came down and i was even more surprised- umm hello, i usually have control over this?

then i felt safe. and not a target. and like someone had me for once.

and it’s been a seesaw of that feeling vs knowing its not the same on both sides and knowing that when they’re gone- so is the feeling of safety… but more importantly, so are they. at first, i thought it was about safety and security and just like, a human xanax.. because that’s much easier to process.

i don’t want to believe that the universe is cruel enough to dangle safety in front of my face before shoving me back into the fucking deep end. that’s like giving a toddler a floatie to only take it away and throw them in the ocean.

to be able to stretch your brain and getting to know what it felt like to be believed in will make you feel way more capable than i could have ever thought… to the point where you realize that the reason you get so stuck and anxious about things is lack of a support system. that realization coming from wanting to tear it all down because you convinced yourself that it was stupid and impossible and you were just trying something the world will never accept. the internal civil war coming from knowing that you felt capable because you felt safe… and you didn’t feel safe because you let someone in, or because they were a good person. i truly have known good people that tried to understand and tried to be a safe place… my nervous system just said no.

but loving someone means that your pain of losing them for them to have the life they want comes second to their happiness. love is not selfish.. and to ask someone to give up their dreams is a selfish thing to do.

so i sit here, knowing doomsday is coming, but being unable to shut off the vulnerability access because- i just don’t want to. it’s going to fuckinnnnn HURT… but i knew that it was going to hurt the weekend of ubbi dubbi… but communication is a priority in the friendship, and everything has been known upfront.

which is another change for me to do. usually, i run from that… but my nervous system planted and was like- no. we’re not leaving.

there’s no way for anyone to know how much i’ve always been the “unique/quirky/weird” one, mostly in the negative way, so it’s unfair to get frustrated if people don’t see that you mean it when you say it’s taken 36 years for a person to come and do what they did and that the idea of having to wait another 36 for the next capable person to come along makes me want to curl up and disappear. they don’t know all of the times they’ve understood me when i didn’t even understand myself.

at the end of it- it’s just a real life lesson of you having no clue how much someone will mean to you when you first meet them… or even the first month of knowing them. life is short and people want different things, not everyone we love will love us back, and it’s nobody’s fault. when they bring value to your life, you appreciate the time you have with them while being honest with yourself when you have to face the inevitable and DEFINITELY being honest with yourself about how you won’t feel after you accept it.

let them go.

let it hurt.

and this time- fight the urge to become indifferent while knowing that you’ll automatically lock away part of yourself that won’t ever come back out.

i rarely let it fully hurt before because letting it hurt would then cause me to let it go, and also… it fucking hurts lol

but again- this is where the options pop up. old t vs new t. feel it and heal it… but without writing them out. let yourself get over them in that way so you don’t have to walk away when they find the person they want to be with.

there’s a well paved path in writing people out- but i’m trying to lower the toxicity level and also, it’s the only positive way i can look at it because i know why i avoid feeling things. i don’t like it in these trenches, i just know the route here with no GPS.

and honestly- i think hurting over a healthy chapter is more painful than a toxic one.

& also… this post was an unexpected event that a different topic as the plot but we’re here.

-t