tarynitup

wouldn’t it be nice if we could just make things… simple?

if creativity just flowed out like a natural river

if you could physically pop thought bubbles and make the thoughts disappear

if you could just tell yourself what you’re worth and you believe it?

When we were kids, we believed things that were way more ridiculous than the words we tell ourself about our worth, yet I believed that our gums in our mouth was made up of the gum I swallowed on accident until I started wondering why it wasn’t ever a different color… or that my family was normal… or that there was a man on the moon. All things easily believed and were not close to true…

So why can’t it just be as easy as telling yourself “you didn’t deserve that shit, some of the stuff later was on you, but you’re worthy” and it not costing 25k, 7 therapists, and 14 pieces of your soul just to walk around KNOWING you’re fucked up and having absolutely no clue how to fix it?

if we were given the ability to see the impact we’ve had on others for only 5 minutes, would we continue to give it the same? should i start air tagging these mfs to check in on later? (no, that’s illegal and also pointless because how will an air tag know if they think about the one time you were kind to them, duh)

wouldn’t it be nice if you could just KNOW why you don’t like asking for help/don’t trust help/see it as a weakness instead of telling yourself for YEARS that you’re just independent and you just don’t like asking for help? vs realizing that you ACTUALLY don’t see your problems as important enough to have any worth as you’re standing in the middle of the store, texting your mom what kind of potatoes you get to make mashed potatoes and trying not to cry?

yeah, i’ll take option 1 please.

they say that if you’re not fed love from a silver spoon, you learn to lick it off of a knife… but what happens when you didn’t even have a knife?

i used to call myself a “stepping stone” for people (and i really wasn’t meaning like, getting walked over… even though that fits too) but maybe I was calling it the wrong thing.

a shooting star is a great example. (a meteor, a flying damn rock in space… however you want to look at it) when you slow down, take some time, adjust to your surroundings, and look up at the sky instead of down at your phone- you might get lucky to see a QUICK but bright and beautiful light in the sky. Coming into sight so fast that you almost gasp, but by the time you’re done with the next breath- it’s gone. Not everyone will stop to look for them, not everyone will think they’re beautiful… but the ones that do are the ones that know a rock isn’t always a boring rock… and what can be so large and normal in space is an event on earth people have waited all year to see. In the dark, for a moment, it brings light to the sky. It brings excitement and fascination IF it’s noticed, and fills people with hope that there’s something more. If you don’t appreciate it in the moment, that moment is gone. It gives people hope that there’s something bigger than what’s around us… and if you’re lucky, it will teach you how to shift your perspective.

i spent so much time feeling like a shooting star (or asteroid) in someones life… destined to stay for a few moments before they move on with their adventures. i spent so much time wondering why i got burnt by their atmosphere and not ever realizing it’s because their atmosphere and energy was off-putting, toxic, and just not for me.

where I thought I was getting walked on, i’ve found that i ran away just as many times. like a comet, there for a brief moment and then gone like it never existed.

landing is uncomfortable. they say you heal when someone healthy comes into your life and cares about you the way you deserve and it’s kinda true- it feels like mental torture because you love being respected and hate that you’re confused about it. if that’s… healing. it’s easy to write a blog for a few years about the never ending depth of my emotions… but it’s hard as fuck to not let my nervous system go into FLIGHT (maybe fight if i’m feeling bratty) and it’s even harder to sit there and let someone see the truly raw and hurt version of you after you learned that it results in danger every time.

but hey- at least i finished a workbook to help kids and teens understand their emotions in the form of dinosaurs, from a world in my mind that runs deeper than marvel.

the hardest part of all of it? learning to be grateful for the worst person you’ve ever known because if you hadn’t gotten so fucked over by him, you wouldn’t have been where you were- when you were- to meet the person that will then trigger and challenge everything you thought you healed by your super-thoughts. learning to be grateful for being left in an airport bar like a fucking chainsmokers song… or any of the hundreds of fucked up shit my ex did because he secretly hates women and thinks their emotions are a burden.

actually… not true. the hardest part of it all isn’t letting yourself make eye contact with that person, telling them what’s actually happening once they read you better than anyone ever has and is on your level type shit, or anything i’ve mentioned.

the hardest part of letting yourself heal is allowing yourself to overcome every fear you have because the person talking you down from a spiral is a person that you wouldn’t trade for anything- not even the person that caused the damage they’re helping you fix. when you want to run but you’re looking at someone that GENUINELY cares for you, at no gain or benefit of their own, and you decide that they aren’t going to pay for the mistakes they didn’t make and you’d go through hell again just to find them… and usually you find them in the weirdest seasons of your life.

fix the problem with no guarantee of the outcome.

yeah, not scary at all.

-t.