tarynitup

the last couple of months, i’ve started to remember more and more of things that have happened that i’ve shoved down… and to top it off, now there’s a national murder case on trial that is bringing up even more.

i ended 2017/started 2018 crying on the bathroom floor every. single. night as the shower just ran. not the little cry… the heaving, make you sick crying. My 6 year old was in one room sleeping, and my newborn baby that was born in december was probably NOT sleeping in the other… along with the person i was supposed to marry, who was DEFINITELY sleeping.

that’s the only memory i had about it… until the last few days, they started to flood back.

all of the fighting that happened when i told him that i didn’t feel right, i didn’t feel like myself, and i didn’t want to feel this way anymore…

all of the times i was told to “just stop”..”just feel better it’s not that hard”.. “you have what so many people want you should be grateful”…

so I tried to be… until I couldn’t try anymore. before i knew it, i was in my family doctors office- telling him if someone didn’t listen to me, i wasn’t going to make it. i’ve been seeing him for over 15 years and i saw his dad before i saw him. he knew that i wouldn’t say that if i didn’t feel it… and i left that day with a prescription- for zoloft. after feeling like wanting to die for months, being ignored by a person that said they loved me, my future in-laws, even my own family… but he didn’t ignore it.

there was so much judgement and so many arguments over how i felt and i was expected to just either feel better or shut up about it.

but that’s not the most triggering part.

it’s watching someone you recognize so many traits in… and you remember the time you were in the path of a person like that.

Remembering what it was like to be so confused on what happened vs what didn’t… being put in a state where you admit to something you didn’t do… the way i felt like it was truly going to be me vs him if i didn’t stop trying. he knew how much my values meant to me… and one day he told me that he’d never accept it unless i changed my story and he tried to get me to give up my values for him- and i just let him go after that. no contact was easy.

now- i’m remembering even more. like telling me in the beginning he was lovebombing me, but i didn’t think he was kidding. telling me he had one foot in, one foot out and then told me i was ridiculous for getting upset about that. and when we broke up- he spent over a year convincing me that i had misread everything wrong and he was the one that was more in love with me than i was with him and i never gave him the attention he needed…. which now i know is total bullshit… but back then?

the gaslighting was so bad that 5 months after no contact- i finally had a voice recording that proved i was telling the truth, and the toxic part of me sent it to him…. but not like it would matter.

also, it’s weird when you get with someone who looks just like your ex.

narcissistic abuse is real. the effects it has on your brain and body are real. the way i felt and called that emotion “excitement” was really my nervous system screaming at me to run. and the changes that i went through after i finally went no contact showed me how much was stored in my body. i remember what it looked like when his eyes would turn black and he would get this evil smirk on his face… and there were times he used my mental health against me. it makes me so thankful that i got out- especially after i’ve learned that there was multiple kinds of abuse going on…and may God be with whoever ends up with him.

triggers happen in unfamiliar places

ew.

-t.