tarynitup

Right after I unblock my writers block… right when I start streaming again and feeling confident in starting something of my own…

3 AM on 1/17/26- my phone starts vib-ringing and I look at the caller ID and it says MC Lewisville.

Fuck.

I knew instantly that was Medical City, thanks to previously working at one that wasn’t followed with that city. My mom is living with me (different story for a different day)… so she’s good. My grandparents that are in their 70s live in Lewisville… and I answered that phone not knowing it was going to change everything I thought I knew about myself… again.

Yep. We’re back on the self-growth express. I fucking HATE being here… but my advice and “wisdom” that I have become so proud of LITERALLY comes from this type of thing. Discomfort. Pain. Acceptance. Self-forgiveness. Moments where you have to REMIND yourself you need to forgive yourself. Fear that presents itself in tears. We have such a wider expansion for self growth when you’re going through it, but just because you can doesn’t mean you have to. Sometimes, we draw a line and stand up for ourselves after years of nobody doing it…

and sometimes, our fucking dad dies 7 months after you finally break off the relationship for good and block him, thinking you’ve finally reached indifference.

So that’s why we’re here. Waiting for him to be done at dead daddy daycare once I get the text that…. the process is complete? See, my dad was the BEST at not thinking of anyone else first… so his laptop is full of shit he thought was important… but nothing about what he wanted for a will… which after you have 3 heart attacks, one being when you were 36, you’d make a will.

I would have settled for a ripped corner of paper with the words ‘burial’ or ‘cremation’ on it… because how do I sit across from my grandparents (and HIS parents) after I told them the night before that their son was gone and talk about how we’re going to ‘lay him to rest’. It won’t matter… his soul ran as fast as it could the second it was free… but reading the obituary my grandma sent me for me to have it posted made the picture even more clear. When you stand up to break trauma behaviors that pass down your bloodline, it’s not fucking easy. ESPECIALLY when you do it on both sides. Like, I’m sorry… you want me to really have this and let his be on the internet forever and ever and everyone that reads this seeing right through this bullshit of a person you made him sound like he was?

Before you think I’m cruel and mean and just an angry girl with daddy issues… I am a girl that had daddy issues… but I’m not mean or cruel, and I wasted my youth making him a priority and changing plans for him to just not show up, and he took advantage of how happy I’d get when he would come back to the point of ‘all was forgiven’ and I see now how it started. My gift to look at things objectively has always shown where the problem with my dad started… and it was the family he was born into. Now, my self-love gives me that ability to see things without my feelings involved but I can grasp the concept of understanding but not accepting behavior. Polone showed me what life is like when you let your trauma responses define you, and that no amount of money is worth the peace I’ve created. The new rule of that I will never ever absolutely under any circumstances go back to someone I have dated in the past.

Period.

Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates. Zac Efron asks Anna Kendrick “Do you ever think you’re not good enough to get what you really want in life, so you’re too scared to try?” and I STARTED BAWLING. LIke… ugly crying… so of course, my brain goes into investigation mode of how the fuck do I heal this?! I can tell myself I’m enough 1000x a day, can logically know that it’s not my fault he fucking sucked… but how do you HEAL it? How do I truly convince my stubborn self that I AM worth all of the good things I give others? How do you truly convince yourself you’re enough after years of dating people that helped you reaffirm that belief? How do I convince younger T (which apparently is the reactive little crazy one) that love is NOT what we were told it was?

Trace the road back to how you got to that feeling.

Suddenly, everything clicks. I see how I learned that love was a revolving door and that me being upset was really the only way I knew he was there for me… but I saw how I learned that I had to chase love.

My dad would make a mess in his personal life or our family life, and instead of staying and having any integrity- he would leave.

• this has been sitting in the drafts since 2/2026.