tarynitup

i miss the days when I could say i wasn’t watching whatever is trending, i really do. 7 episodes deep and BAM- trigger warning about the lack of trigger warning in that shit. episode after episode of a girl not drinking at parties because of being assaulted at one and it took me SEVEN episodes to be like

OH. shit

the constant apologizing to everyone for being a burden. the constant guilt for feeling like my existence is too loud, too much, too big of a problem. i scream at people not to drop the trauma rope as i run away from mine.

“that doesn’t bother me anymore, i don’t even think about it”

true statement. but what nobody realizes that after SA, there’s an endless pit of outcomes- with hardly a good one sticking easily.

at 13, i watched as honesty and the truth became “my truth” and “his truth”. i watched as i spoke up and the small town mediocre football player going into his senior year got to walk into his senior year as i walked into my freshman year at a new school. that i begged my grandparents to let me go to. and pay to transfer to. and drive me to and pick me up from every day because i was a transfer student that couldn’t ride the bus.

i watched people change their lives because i told the truth. everyone except for him.

stepping back- zooming out from looking for waldo in every book- some good had to come out of it… right? right. yep. when something takes so.many.years. of your life- when do you say ENOUGH.

to love who i am now means loving all the versions of me i used to be that got me here. i relate more to a victim of narcissistic abuse than anything, i refuse to give him more of what he got drunk and took.

i wouldn’t know how to spot someone that needs kindness as easily. i wouldn’t know how to allow people to be themselves. no knowing how to listen, how to understand people and their behavior. i wouldn’t know how to be there for anyone the way that i am if i had never been so fucking alone as a child, refusing to ever turn cold to the world like i watched everyone else do… leaving collateral damage and justifying it or doing it for revenge. i wouldn’t be able to calm people down naturally if i turned into what i saw, only being listened to when i was mad taught me that there’s an entire level of communication before it had to get to that point and to never trigger anger as a sport in my own self-pity. growing up watching people live in the same house but different mental prisons taught me to be open and even though i closed up for a while- i have always been me. i wasn’t always in my own mental prison… and lately i’ve been trying to figure out how the fuck it started… the original blueprint.

my truth, their truth, the truth-

get the fuck over it.

does it hurt? yes. does it suck to lose years of your life to something that you didn’t have control over? yes. does seeking validation in any future situation mean that it didn’t hurt? no. is the depression spiral easier to avoid than we want it to be because in a really fucked up way- we feel like we owe more of our life to a situation that’s draining us? YES.

the only people that don’t like to hear that are the ones in a self-inflicted, self-loathing spiral of doom shit. hi, i’m the problem- it’s me.

being told i never did anything wrong never meant a fucking thing to me hahaha and not because they didn’t mean well- but they were saying that as they were moving the chess pieces that was their life around as a 13 year old girl watched it all unfold. sure looked like i did SOMETHING… and it didn’t feel good so it couldn’t have been right?

watching it play out and getting fully locked into something and watching a phone call from a mom to a daughter where the mom asks her “what exactly did you do wrong” and the daughter can’t answer…

fuck.

someone asked me once how i got up from rock bottom… and whatever i said was true- but it wasn’t as true as i could have been. the truth sounds- demanding. cold. harsh. scary. fresh. new. exciting.

you. just. get. the. fuck. up.

there isn’t anything else besides just- not.

and i fucking hate that i remembered that. there is no reason, there are no excuses- there’s just me.

right before a trip is such a dangerous time for me to have these revelations haha- people don’t realize how much unnecessary shit i leave behind once i get on that plane.

once i’m on that bitch- i. am. gone. i’m not down anymore.

and i swear to god… this time, i’m burning the fucking world down.