tarynitup

“When we were 6, and Dad asked you in front of Mom ‘do you want this divorce?’- that was an unfair thing to do to you. When we said ‘No’, and it was the truth, that’s okay. It’s okay because we were 6 and we didn’t know. When we said no, and it hurt Mom, that’s not our fault. We should have never had to answer that question. It’s okay that we told the truth, and it’s not our fault someone got hurt because of it. It happened anyway, that doesn’t mean that our word won’t matter. Dad made us feel insignificant, and by telling the truth, we really hurt Mom.

We were only 6. No matter the answer, things were going to be what they were. Not everyone is going to “leave anyway”.”

As more of the memory comes back, and more awareness of how something I thought “just happened” has affected my entire fucking life, my decision making, the fear of hurting others when it shouldn’t be my burden to hold onto… I just get angry. I get angry for little me, who was shoved into a world that was just too big for her, and forced to be emotionally strong for more than just her, and never allowed to be a kid, always worrying if others are happy because if theres no conflict, there’s no danger. The more of the memories of my dad come back, the more I realize how scared I was of him. Each memory comes back with such a clouded look, but when I finally let my mind break through it, everything with him is red, and angry… and I just feel scared. I don’t think he ever hurt me, but I saw him hurt my mom, and I heard him yell.. and break things.. and every house we lived in had holes from him punching them. So yes, I’d definitely tell little me that it’s okay that we were 6 and we didn’t want them to be divorced, even though it was the healthiest thing to do. Sometimes the truth is what it is, no matter what we want. We were fucking 6. We didn’t know any better. We thought “why can’t they just say sorry and stop fighting?”.

I can’t fix the damage this habit caused, but I can make sure that I don’t continue it. The thing about healing from a trauma response is looking at it like your brain is manipulating you. Even though it’s to protect you, it’s manipulation. Once you’re aware of manipulation, you can’t be manipulated anymore.

That’s how you change.