tarynitup

We struggle for closure. For some reason… we just HAVE to understand.

Sometimes.

As I get older, I’ve learned people are able to walk away with no closure, sometimes never understanding.

The hardest thing you’ll ever do is forgive someone that isn’t sorry.

They think I’m a monster, and maybe now I am. Where there was once a gentle, calm, puppy like energy has become an angry lone wolf… the moon being the only thing that gives us any feeling at all.

Maybe I am a monster. Maybe I am mean.

I wasn’t always. And I won’t always be.

I used to be soft, unannoyed, optimistic.

I believed that love was the most important thing in the world and I loved love, the idea of it, hopelessly romanticized about it constantly.

I believed that people didn’t have bad and hidden intentions. I thought people said what they meant and meant what they said. I thought friends were friends, no matter the gender.

I believed in second chances, unconditional love, forgiveness.

I believe they wanted to love me. I think the reason they couldn’t show up for me is because they couldn’t show up for themselves- but they didn’t want to lose me when they were trying to learn how.

Mid-way through, I realize I’m an idiot.

I went to write the next sentence and a lump came to my throat, realizing they’d laugh at it if they ever read this…

I believed in them. Over and over.

Why am I the one that had to fall in love AND lose now THREE summers of their life to someone that… I just loved loving.

All I wanted was to make them happy. Yeah, I fucked up along the way when I was scared and thought “what’s the easiest way to fix this without losing time with him” and went with the worst quick fix possible- but I learned and have never been more sorry in my life for anything. I loved them on their good days and on their bad days, when they were sleeping and when they were awake. When their face was relaxed and their eyes crease when they smile- and usually my hair is blowing everywhere because the windows are probably down.

What I think is- this really might do me in

What I know is- I’m not okay.