tarynitup

pieces of my heart are scattered across my life. Like breadcrumbs, waiting for the right time to fit into a story… waiting for someone to want to listen… & I realize now I stole the story from myself. Waiting and staring at the train to come down the tracks, I didn’t notice when it was in front of me… definitely didn’t notice when it left.

I walked the perfect line to be the perfect girl. I stumbled, because perfection isn’t possible. But that was the thing that made this different. I went in at 120%… ready to give up anything to make it work… & I don’t regret it.

I truly stayed off those sites after I met you… because I met you. Even when I got in to delete it, I felt dirty. But it was before you… I had been invited to a random show in rockwall in what felt like a group message a weekend I was gone before I met you.

I seem like such a villain… but I kept myself in line of a boundary I didn’t fully understand. A boundary of being held to the standard of a title… but never knowing where the boundary truly was, so I kept it in the only line I knew.. which was physical… my heart had been taken by you.

I wish I could remember dates of things… because i remember taking her with me. Imagine how dumb I felt thinking his user name was sports related. I think he saw I was in over my head.. it was never talked about.. just music when I was waiting for him to weigh out what I needed. It was never the life for me, & in a way… that was embarrassing.

I hid so much of myself from everyone, only letting out the perky friendly “nice girl” everyone expects to see… overly doing it because I had the inability to not be overly friendly. The last few weeks I’ve hated my friendliness… and now being alone.. I don’t have the friends I claimed to.

That term is so loosely used… what do you call someone you can talk to when they’re around but you wouldn’t wake up in the middle of the night for? I didn’t have a lot of friends… I had a lot of people I talked to casually but that I wouldn’t be there for at 3 am… & neither would they. I felt so alone after everyone left & social media was all I had until you. Like a snake shedding it’s skin.. nothing is instant.

And then I just went full send into you. Always being bothered by the title of girlfriend or whatever we were, never telling you because I thought it would be enough for you to leave. How did I tell you that after a point, things got cloudy without giving you an ultimatum?

Being so scared you were using the lack of a title to do your own thing, being scared to be left behind.. being shocked when you cared about me talking to them but you didn’t care to make me your girlfriend… wanting to tell you now that “waiting to see if this was there” only made me see you as emotionally unavailable, but feeling the availability.. & being so so confused.

You telling me you’d always have one foot out, but not feeling you were out at all… not wanting to feel like I lived with you raising questions if you ever would… always backing up apologies with actions but tolerating me feeling tolerated.. what did I say or do wrong?

I was in over my head when I reached out to Mayhem .. & using any comment I could to justify being uncomfortable to buy time.. in an overview- I had only been your girlfriend for a month.. I worked so hard to get there, I didn’t want money to be how I lost it. Truly didn’t have the money for B&B.. but wanting online popularity when I was missing it in real life, acting like I went to the show to be the only way to get it… you don’t see it or believe it now and why would you?

You didn’t need to be liked by everyone to feel validated, it’s what made you so intimidating. You didn’t need to be liked by me, and I so desperately wanting to be loved by you.

& then to be given information I desperately wanted, a discussion about a ring.. for you to quickly tell me it would be YEARSSSS… joy given and ripped away in seconds. That + the foot + not wanting to feel like you lived with me… how could I feel wanted? I hung to your words so tightly that I lived by the bad ones, and that’s on me.. not you. “I don’t want to feel like you live with me” has more weight than it should have… & I’m sorry I didn’t tell you how that bothered me.

I was putting in so much effort, getting it back in a different way and not recognizing it because I so desperately needed words.

I couldn’t stand when people were mad at me. Worse than I am now. So when I told someone I was choosing you and not them, I felt bad because they didn’t take it well. Blocked. No phone number, only a person gone as quick as they came on my snap feed. When you unblock someone that didn’t remove you, you just have to hit accept… & you’re back in.

All of a sudden, a simple “hey” made me realize the pain I had been shoving down. A pain that I didn’t want to tell you was there… because you’d take it and run and just yell “sorry!” I loved you, I didn’t want to tell you my pain could only be resolved by you. I watched you get weighed down by the weight of the world and all I wanted to do was lift a little, not add to it.

The “hey” and the person it came from was not what I wanted, but it came at a time when I truly felt alone and unseen, & I’ve never wanted to admit that feeling alone when you’re with someone is the lowest feeling imaginable.

we were already broken up when Kells came down… I was single and wrecked, not cheating, even if the guilt made it feel like I was.

When Kells told me he was coming down, there was no plan to see him. The joke of not being able to stand me for that long and being the one guys just hangout with but never marry… it became the baseline joke of my existence with them. I was able to keep the “friendship” at an acceptable distance physically and emotionally. Feeling guilty and remembering being called a bitch when I said I didn’t want to talk to them and that it was someone else… not knowing where you and I stood and thinking we were still not together, never to be your girlfriend again..

the pills making the noise they do in the bottle. I’m sure he would have chosen not to had he known I’d be on my phone the whole time, ignoring the fuck out of him.. again… being told “i hate you” does something to me.. you couldn’t have known how those words would have affected me.

I tried to drown you out with the nightclub after we took the Uber there, to only leave early when I started to cry and talk about you. It was the most unideal situation for anyone. Lying to you when I didn’t think I’d ever face you again was so stupid. We walked back, why we decided to Uber there and walk back, I don’t know… but I cried the whole time, with him comforting me like I’d comfort someone I didn’t know, telling them it would be okay and to just talk to that person.. getting food and avoiding my favorite meal, going back and being asleep right when I sat down… I had probably taken 4-6 bars over 3-4 hours.

I was embarrassed to tell you that you still had influence over me after I thought you hated me. I stayed in bed until it was time to go, Kells asked to give him a ride to ubbi the night before, and he could not get away from me fast enough. he ran back to his friends… understandably so, but I was embarrassed.. Running into him later was when the picture was taken, and him being relieved I wasn’t the one with him, him thinking you had finally come. I left alone. I felt alone.

I had only heard about how I was a fun friend, not the girl to settle with.. with the advice given to me about you focusing on that simple fact. “You’re cool & all but you’re a lot, guys don’t want to marry a lot”. I was embarrassed to tell you that even after you hated me, you had the influence to not only make me not want anyone, you had the influence for nobody else to want me… I was embarrassed that I went into self destruct mode.

& facing you becoming the scariest thing I’d ever do…. And never something I did before. Your justification for leaving being valid this time… if you left me before, what stops you now? Nothing did, nothing would, & nothing could. Your mind was made up the Sunday before… my heart didn’t heal from that day.

I felt like you were able to not be hurt at all, I tried to make my pain go away the only way I knew how… but this pain could only be resolved by you. You would have been able to do what I couldn’t.. & I was so fucking tired of feeling like I wasn’t capable of making you happy.. I wasn’t capable of having you. When you were back in front of me, I panicked because at any second… you would leave again. So the truth came out in vomit comets… with the statement I dreaded saying not wanting to come out.

At the end of it, we both doomed it. Thinking I had something in me capable of ruining it, thinking I wasn’t enough or that you weren’t in… but I sealed the fate of it. the end result you being okay losing me and that being the fear the entire time.

now you’re gone, I can’t handle hearing you tell me you’re leaving again… screaming at the top of my lungs to please forgive me.. only being able to lie about a weekend that crushed me unexpectedly has killed what parts of me I have left, please forgive me for ruining us. I was happy, I felt you love me and enjoy it & I didn’t understand.

Feeling so hidden and at a point where the title felt more than allowed.. i lashed out in the only way I knew how to get you to react with Apollo, tried to tell myself I chose wrong when I saw Kells, forgiving Kodiak to convince myself I wasn’t the same person… Mayhem being because I was truly over my head. My boundaries were physical because those were the basic boundaries I had been taught. Staying in my boundaries still broke yours, but it wasn’t on purpose. It wasn’t to hurt you. Lying wasn’t to hurt you or protect you.

I tried to slow down everything in my brain to address it like it deserved. Missing you like I miss sleep, and not finishing a Dr Pepper in days. Knowing the last reason I have to see you is that wristband.. knowing you won’t talk to me.. I never wanted to lose you. When I lost you and you came back, I had never experienced it before… & I panicked. I didn’t know if you were here for a long time, short time, if I was allowed to talk or feel pain.

You deserve more. You deserve someone you want to bend for.. someone you want to make sure never doubts themselves. If you don’t want it, you can’t force the effort and that’s ok! I have to let you go knowing that when you want something, you say it. Also the same for when you don’t want it.. I’m sorry the story came out in pieces. I love you with all of my broken heart on the floor, shattered. We are both stubborn but don’t want to let it go.

I think I can’t do this again, and I hear you tell me “WHETHER YOU THINK YOU CAN OR CANT, YOURE RIGHT”

Unable again to go to the bridge.. giving myself 1-2 days to get the bravery.. I still love you.

Until the world ends.