tarynitup

I should be flattered at the amount of strength you think I must have. I’ve asked you before if you thought I was bulletproof. Now, I just want to ask how stupid you think I must be. Because of how I choose to look at it, I’ll always choose to see the best in you… which is also something you never wanted to do for me. I choose to see Monday night as a small amount of effort, and I’ll keep the memory that way. I choose to see that you probably wanted to love me and try to be better for each other, but the truth is, you just fucking couldn’t. And in your attempt to avoid accepting that, you kept putting the blame on me. I barely had room to fight against it, but I don’t think you see the amount of fight I really do have when I believe in something. We can build forts and share tears every day forever, but when daylight comes and it’s time to apply the harder things… you refuse, blame me, accuse me of lying, and run away.

DISCLAIMER- since I wrote this, I found an item I didn’t think of. I thought for sure that I took it that morning, the cork wasn’t even registering in my head because I didnt associate it with the afternoon- I didn’t want you to think I didn’t care or want it that morning so I really thought I took it, but since I found it in my backpack and had the slight question of “I did take this in the morning, right? I know I did… I don’t remember putting it in my purse in my car either because the other bag was just out and I was in a rush being there yesterday afternoon I don’t remember even seeing it”… because I questioned myself, I came clean about it. No matter the outcome, because I fought so hard and talked about accountability and the possibility of being wrong- I would be dishonest if I don’t say anything about it. I’m not just going to let it stay that way out of pride, I could have been wrong and not thought about it because I thought I grabbed it in the morning and I saw it in the front of my backpack. I’m going to be honest no matter the outcome. Why watch me in the first place when you’ve told me “don’t worry I don’t watch them” is weird, but I’m responsible for me only. Coming at me so angrily and ready for a fight was unnecessary though. I still believe I took it in the morning, but since there’s a question about it- I’ll give the space for me to be wrong.

This is how easy it is to connect dots, true or not.

You give actual effort for the first time in months to where you know I’ll receive it. Because you have put in no effort (in my eyes), ANY amount of small effort will look huge. Like you’re in a fucking desert and you see water. That small amount of effort causes me to chase you. We talk, have a great time, reconnect, plan to hang out the next day. Talk all day, facetime, cook dinner, build a fort, share deep fucking secrets and shed tears to and for each other. Talk about goals. Share the same desire to want to fix things. This time, you give a little more effort with words and it gives me a little hope for a future with you. You genuinely are happy for me and the new things in my life, I know that. Go to sleep, wake up, get ready together. You pack my lunch, saying I could tell people at my new work a title of the person that packed it for me, with a note inside of it. You watch me go through one of the first panic attacks not brought on by us in a while, as I’m trying to still get ready so I’m not late. My mom was texting me about putting off my dad coming, my dad is texting me about trying to come up, my stuff is scattered in your room and I hate leaving it messy with my stuff. I ask when I can see you next, you tell me Friday, which was fine. I look at the clock and I’m about to be so fucking late. I can never get ready in time if I wake up at any time like 7:30, 6:30, something about the half hour throws me off. I start to panic, you get out of the shower, try to ease my anxiety. Still learning how to help me when I never talked about it before, you do all you can to get me out of it. You tell me you’re not hanging out with anyone tonight, which wasn’t even on my mind… until you said that. I do semi understand though, but that was the first flag. After work, I go to your house to get something. I don’t take my purse in. I’m aware of the cameras in the house. Very obvious, and I’ve told you before when you were out of town I knew they were there and you could look and see I was there whenever. Today, I get something out of a bag that requires another bag, so I go to the kitchen and grab a ziploc bag, put the stuff in it, and shove it in my pocket. My phone goes in my pocket. My nursing jacket has zippers, sometimes I zip it up and down on the pockets just as a habit. I didn’t want to get my stuff, I knew I was seeing you on Friday. Before I got to your house though, you said “I dont know” when I asked when you’d be home. Odd, but okay. You told me sweetly you didn’t mind sharing, followed by an accusatory text. I get them at the same time and respond with an lol at the end because it was funny that they switched so quickly. Half-truths brought up, when we hadn’t really talked about that phrase before. After I leave, you call me, angry as shit, asking me what I took from your house.

Are you fucking gohhhdddddamn kidding me?

I was always proud that I was allowed to go in your house with you gone. I tell you what I put in the ziploc bag, which was the ONLY thing that was in or touched that pocket besides MAYBE my phone, and you tell me I’m lying, theres a high quality camera and you could see it. You hang up on me. I’m so fucking confused. You tell me you saw something with my right front pocket and it wasn’t what I said it was. We argue, because I’m not taking this bullshit over something I know I didn’t do. I asked you to send proof so I at least could see what he was seeing, but no, you wouldn’t show it. You then revealed your BIGGEST red flag- saying you just wanted to bury it. YOU CAN’T BURY ANYTHING AND YOU DON’T WANT TO! As is your right. HOWEVER, why change that right now? Why wouldn’t you send the proof? Maybe I was just checking my pockets, checking for my phone, making sure I put the bag in there, sometimes playing with the pocket zippers as a fidget toy. You accuse me of hiding something, lying about something, taking something from your house. RIGHT after I left. I think you wanted to watch me on camera and not be there when I was there. I had asked what your plans were tonight and the response being “no clue”.. you always have some kind of idea. That indifference told me something. You turn off your read receipts as a game, tell me that I can’t come back over until I own up to it. You avoid the questions about me asking if you’re hanging out with someone and starting all of this for a reason, and that’s okay, it is what it is. You tell me on the phone you want to bury it again, that just doesn’t exist with you though. I kept asking to see it, but nope. You tell me you’re going out tonight, and call me angry again saying you just watched it on your TV and I’m definitely lying. Okay- so show me. Because it’s so frustrating it’s almost funny. It’s like “ok show me the proof you and see or just sit down, go drink some water and cool off.” You said I might not have stolen, but…

Then you’re telling me “i’ll never get the truth from you will I” and other shit like that.

but it doesn’t matter anymore. You refuse to send any proof so I can see and tell you what I’m doing, or as you call it- “making up stories.” You hit such a low in where we talked about us being at that what broke us was an accusation over me taking something from your house/hiding something in my pocket. After all of the shit we’ve been through, you’ve always known I respected your house and your space. You also are the first to send 8943274932875 screen shots when you have proof, so that fact alone was enough for me to not give a fuck. Either let me tell you what I’m doing if you’re that fucking worried about it- or don’t. Either way, my life is unaffected until you make it longer than 1.5 days before letting your toxic tendencies take control of your mindspace. I can’t there for someone who enjoys being a problem. I used to constantly be the problem, but I fucking grew because I stayed sober for a lot of it and didn’t have a way to cope. Either way, the fact that you started this today, watched me pretty much live as I’m in your house, probably from a parking lot close to your house, and stooped to a new level of accusations, wanted to bury it, and brought it up again later- umm, yeah okay. Still refusing to send me any kind of proof, whatever, I can’t help you. Lol it’s comical and ya know- I just know what I put in my pocket vs what I didn’t, and I’m not even sure I took my vape out in any room besides your living room.

If you want someone to not be guilty- you give them the chance to see what you’re accusing them of- because either you’re right and they have nothing to say, or they tell you what they’re doing and it makes sense and the fight ends.

I just don’t have the fucking patience to argue about something when I didn’t do anything wrong. SHOW ME THE VIDEO, PRACTICE WHAT WE’VE PREACHED AND COMMUNICATE!

What it looks like is that you caused a fight on a day you didn’t want to be tied to me. And it looks like that because you refuse to show me what you “see”.

This is making my brain hurt. It is what it is. You don’t want to see it a different way, that’s fine. I had to learn my own way. I just hope you stay away from what we talked about. It’s destroying you as a person and I can’t watch it anymore if you aren’t ready to fight for it. You refuse to send me the video, I can’t help you.

My last paragraph to you-

I loved you truly, deeply, endlessly. It was always you for me, I never wanted things to be this way, and I really hope one day you see how hard I fought for it because I felt it was right. Everything about you was enough- LET IT BE ENOUGH. GROW. HEAL. BE HUMBLE. CRY A LOT.

We decided to be better to each other without reminding the other of the past. I truly feel this is something being held over my head because it can be.