tarynitup

What do I have to do to get you out of my head? Why are you still here, taking up space in every thing I do… I walk around feeling like half of a person, and fully ready to accept feeling like that for the rest of my life. Why.

How is my heart still breaking after you broke it any way a person could? Why do I still feel you around, see signs of you… even when I try to ignore them the most? I have always been able to shut it off, block it out, put it past me… but not this. I got new friends. I got rid of more stuff than I’m proud of but I put up the rest. I moved.

Why am I still sitting here pretending anything ever mattered when I literally saw them with where they wanted to be? Haven’t I learned? I’ve been here, I’ve been responsible for people being here. I am careful to not get here. Yet here I am, with a quiet narrative in my head to you about anything I do in life… like an idiot.

It seems so backwards… the more I’m hurting on the inside, the more motivated I am to look okay on the outside. Anyone that’s allowed in sees it though, it’s why I’m here… in this apartment. The summer of self-acceptance had made me realize I am more aware of the possibility of resources I have from people in my life than I thought before… but I don’t use them or take advantage of them. It wasn’t until I lost everything and people saw me trying to piece myself together that things came out. Things from sources that were always misunderstood, and ended up being never more than a person recognizing the daily struggle of another person, and trying to help that person because they appreciate them. I didn’t ever see my worth in peoples life when they had money, but it’s been recently explained to me that my “energy” is what I bring to people. Tonight my friend said “even on your bad days I love when you’re over here because of the energy you put off as a person” and his girlfriend Hailey said “it’s always positive energy, even when you were at your worst.” It’s also hard to sit and talk to them about how they saw me completely fall apart, with all of us knowing how I messed up but how that situation was completely taken wrong but how I was to blame for it… for him to look at me and tell me that he was proud of me for navigating my way through it… I wasn’t as good at hiding at as I thought. He explained that I need to be aware of the energy I’m giving out, intentions aside. He also noted that after seeing me in pictures and interactions with others, I might give out energy to others, but what’s important is where my affection is.. who am I touching or sitting with/close to… who are my knees pointed to?

I’ve learned to harness the magnet energy when I make eye contact with someone. It’s natural to smile when someone smiles at you, and I have a bad habit of smiling when I make eye contact BECAUSE IT’S SO AWKWARD. But that’s what I’ve been doing all summer… finding out what I’ve come to think is bad/toxic vs what is actually toxic or bad. What can I change vs what I can’t. Each ‘vacation’ was just a trash dump for toxic habits to where I’m now a snappy and what could be argued as arrogant person because I have yet to figure out the middle between no boundary v strong boundary. Even to friends- I’m not able to have an exception to a boundary. To hold it, it has to be everything. The one person I never pushed away was always meant to be at a distance, but seems to be creeping closer in a motion a little faster than slowly…

Play it all you want t. Put on your hoodie and vans and put in your AirPods and walk across the street and sit on the bench and watch people enjoy life like you weren’t just on all fours in the apartment you’re leasing, bawling your fucking eyes out and wishing that person was there to see what they were excited to see before you panicked… for the next thought of “they were leaving anyway” creeping in right behind it… why is this haunting me? People don’t realize what I would do to change things. Today I got lost because of construction, and all of a sudden I just knew where I was… deep in my stomach I knew. About 45 seconds later, I pass a Kubota dealership, and see a big black truck in front. My heart fell to my feet, and I remembered that when I said I’d wave to their work- I was just passing the flags… I geographically had no idea where his work was.. even when I got lost today I didn’t know, I just felt it. I would say it in hopes he’d want to see me, it would give me another reason to not do anything else, because he was the one reason I never would… but there were many times I was ready to go and he never knew, but it was a ‘just in case’.

Me trying to date is a joke with me and my friends at this point, with the elephant in the room being that everyone knows that I’d instantly jump back off that cliff and being happy to do it… and they’ve learned they either have to accept it or kick rocks. I have lost friends the last few months, and the biggest one being a friend since I was 14… but sometimes the most familiar is not the best.

I’m trying to grieve this, but it won’t die. I have spent too many nights alone on the floor, crying so heavy that my tears are flowing UP my forehead… I couldn’t un-ruin it, I couldn’t numb it, I couldn’t move away from it….