tarynitup

In the midst of the most confusing time of my life, I managed to make it to red rocks. What I will say is that memory is very special to me, as much as I’ve tried to make it not so, it just is what it is. Me and C were in the beginning of… whatever the limbo phase was. I think it was payback, but different story. He had plans to go to wobblerocks, he bought the ticket the day I got my ubbi or trilogy ticket. (he didn’t know I had got him one too, but different post, LOL). When we were starting to hang out, I was really upset… we had talked about going to red rocks together for the first time, I had gotten Boogie T tickets for Red Rocks and he couldn’t go because of his kids, and the only thing I’m saying is he really wanted to go to that and I had seen him switch around a lot for other things. We go back and forth, he goes to spend time in Florida with his dad, I watch his dog, he’s the only one I’m talking to. He gets home, we fight, he goes to Colorado. We were on okay terms, I was at his house watching his dog again. I had joked about driving up to go to red rocks because I had really wanted to go, and he said “come on!” For someone who really wanted to be with someone, that was all I needed, but I just put it off until way late. We decided I would fly to Colorado (in 3 hours) and he would come get me, take me to day 2 of wobble rocks. I was bawling as I was packing. I was starting to feel safe where we could talk and I just wanted to be out of town with him. I love Colorado, I needed to be back there.

How he can’t see….

He picks me up from the airport with donuts, a hoodie from the day before. He looked so excited to see me, and now those memories stop me in my tracks because it wasn’t real. I think he just liked to make anyone happy. We go to the hotel, get ready, go to red rocks. And as much as it hurts, as much it makes my throat close up… it was by far the best night I’ve had.

That night was the first night I was able to get out of my head at any event, and I’m thankful to him for that. I remember he had his arms around me and told me if there was any a sign from the universe we were supposed to be together, it was right then. He thinks the person I am changed after that point, but during this time I was letting him think the worst because he just seemed to have wanted the worst to have happened. The next day, leaving for the airport, I start to try to talk to him about when my friend came down for the music festival. Bad move, sis. He had bought me flowers on the side of the road on the way, keep this in mind. We get to the airport, arguing the entire time. We go to a bar outside of security, he wants to start having a super exposing and personal conversation at an airport bar and I shut the hell down. He pays the check, gets up, and walks out as I’m still sitting there. I remember the electrifying shock of pain that went through my body, I looked at the flowers the light up bunny ears he got me, and that’s when I started to get angry. I sat there for a minute, perfectly fine with him going through security and getting on the plane without me, I was hoping I missed mine. He walks back, tells me he’s not going to leave me in the airport, and that’s when I should have seen how back and forth he was. I asked him what to do with my flowers, he didn’t want to hold them, I was about to be on a plane… but much to my regret I threw them away. He was also yelling at me and telling me how we were definitely never getting back together. He seemed to forget words fucking hurt. He told me our relationship went in the trash with the flowers and ears. We make it through security, and I was about to just walk off. We go to get on the train, I go to throw something away, turn around, and he’s on the train and the doors are closing… and he’s taking a picture of me, telling me the train left. That was the first time I truly felt thrown away in the most literal sense. I somehow get to the wrong gates/terminal, my phones about to die and I couldn’t find my charger, and I’m walking around the Denver airport… AS he’s texting me and calling me telling me how awful I was and I ruined the trip, said we got here alone we’re leaving alone. I wanted to die. I was trying my best. I finally make it to the gate, we walk past each other and that was also the first day I saw how cold he was. I knew what boarding group he was, I watched it and I didn’t see him but I watched it late. When it was my turn, I looked around all of the seats, I couldn’t see him so I thought he would be on the plane. He wasn’t. He waited for me to get on, and then reminded me that we were done even more because I got on the plane first without him, sending me a picture of him getting on the plane. His seat was like, 3 in front of me over on the other side. I could see his hat. My hopeless romantic part kicked in. I wrote a hand-written letter and trying to apologize, and trying to start over.. and asked if he could do that to meet me at the end of the plane. If not, I loved him and I was sorry and we would go our separate ways.

He was there when I got off the plane…… to say goodbye. Looking back, I can see the pieces of bait that were thrown out.. intentional or not. He knew that I would see him and think that he wanted to start over… with the next 30 minutes of me on the skylink trying to convince him otherwise. Telling me he didn’t want to be with me… how could I really think it was true when he said “I didn’t really want to break up” months later… what would ANYone think? I shouldn’t have gone on the date, but I didn’t deserve that.

Red Rocks was beautiful. Ganja White Night crushed it. Views are totally unmatched to anything I had ever seen. Any seat is a good seat, except the very front. A ton of stairs, but totally worth it. The picture kind of says it all.

And I’m not sure why… but I wear my wobble rocks hoodie every day.

** I need to correct that he met me at the airport with a hoodie and HIS pashmina- the bucket hat and other pash belong in a different post.