tarynitup

I’ve always struggled with the term when people ask what I’m most afraid of when it comes to being hurt. Abandonment? Forgotten? Tolerated? It’s driven me crazy for YEARS, until today. Where I’ve just thought I was a huge piece of shit failure, there was a feeling I was scared of to a toxic fault.

Inferiority.

I learned today that I have a major inferiority complex. I had learned about this in school but not as much as it’s talked about now.

Quick lesson. An inferiority complex is a constant state of feeling inadequate and/or insecure. Some start at childhood, some as an adult. People that have this issue usually don’t have a very high self-esteem, a lot of time being due to comparing to others, and they tend to focus on material items, and slight rebelliousness… not to mention over-usage of social media to withdraw from actual social interactions. Things that can cause this is major negative experiences that are personal, disliked personality traits about yourself, past relationships, ability to be social, and abilities or lack there of. “Symptoms” (this is where it hits me a little bit) is – lower self esteem, increased anxiety and/or depression, constant doubt of themselves, will assume the worst in daily situations, other people, and themselves, will give up quickly out of fear of making mistakes, find it difficult to take criticism AND/OR believe compliments (i’m the worst), and struggles with confidence to go after goals. The more TOXIC ones- need for perfection/competitive/attention-seeking actions/finding faults in themselves and others/disliking admitting mistakes/feeling the need to be better.

I’ve been working hard on this in therapy, and it’s why I’m able to talk about it. but today there was a name for it. What this means in my case- I go into a relationship. We both like each other. (I probably have the fear I like them more than they like me if I like someone, insert flag 1). When you self-doubt, you make mistakes.. so I eventually make a mistake and I get scared they’re going to leave. (insert flag 2) Oof. Now I’m aware that this person has the ability to hurt me, so I think the worst and that they will, no matter how much I didn’t want it to happen (flag 3). I’ll get super anxious at first, not knowing what to do, not wanting to be asked to leave (flag 4). Once this person has the ability to hurt me, they now, IN MY HEAD, have the upper hand, and I suddenly feel inferior and less than. (flag 100000). What I learned recently, is when I love someone, I would try and be perfect. I bent my beliefs because I wanted to agree with them, and sometimes it made more sense. My online social media was a very attention-seeking action. NONE OF THIS IS RIGHT. It just is why and is what it is. I never believed compliments from them, I didn’t think I was good enough. I would cause problems out of being scared of not being good enough. I remember my ex tried to teach me things, and I would get so frustrated because I was mad I couldn’t get it on the first try. In my head it was “what was wrong with me”. It’s why I couldn’t go to shows and get out of my head. My self-esteem was so low that everyone around me became superior. I did try to listen to my mistakes, I also just tried to make the person listen and see that it wasn’t what they were making it out to be.

So of course this relationship would crush me. I was already terrified of being inferior to anyone, him, his ex… and I was. After things blew up, he tried to make me feel like I had always wanted to feel, and I don’t know why. I had told him that I had felt less than, he just seemed to want to use it as an excuse instead of looking at the problem. All of the signs were there for so long. I feel like he just paused his life to see if he wanted something different, and I was just tolerable and fun sometimes. He reassured the statement I had been told so many times before- the fun one guys dated but didn’t marry. After things ended, he just went back to his old life like nothing had ever happened… sending me text messages about wanting to heal as he’s with his ex-wife (maybe not ex, i don’t know). I wish he had let me go when I had told him I didn’t want to stand in the way of the mother of his kids and him being together and he grabbed me by the shoulders telling me that would never happen. I wasn’t being mean, I would have respectfully walked away. Why was I a game piece to see if he was over her/could get over her? Sometimes, he looked at me in a certain way… but was he just wishing I was her? I have always been a private person, and this is why. I let him fully in, and even at the end when there was a little bit of a wall up, I still let him in after he was walking away. He was too fixated on the story he had convinced himself to be true. If I was the person he made me out to be, I wouldn’t be upset 4 months later. I wouldn’t still be writing about him if I was the person he thought I was. Seeing him on Saturday really got to me, especially him being with her, like life just resumed and I never happened. I felt the 2 things I have never wanted to feel… insignificant and inferior. Because, to him… I was. I tried so hard to apologize to him, I tried so hard to do everything… but you can’t try for someone who doesn’t want you to. I get comments such as : I hate you and regret you. You’re going to be alone forever. At least I’ll get married. We should have never gone past August (2022).

Ok, cool. Noted. At least he’s off dating apps for her.

I will get through this, but I will never give someone all of myself again.