tarynitup

The last few months have been such a blur, it wasn’t until I was trying to explain to someone the things that happened this summer. So many things hit me at once… the first and last thing being that the one person I thought would always be in my life isn’t around, and wasn’t ever fully there. Starting and ending on that thought leave me feeling empty and so foolish. I let this take over my life completely. Not just losing the relationship, but also everything settling after it all changed, catching up on my car payment that I was about to lose. As I was accused of having multiple different guys I was hanging out with, I was at home either staring out in the distance, crying and looking through pictures, or medicating myself to sleep to just forget it all. The ‘vacations’ I went on were Hail Mary attempts to find pieces of myself I lost along the way, with each trip taking it’s own toll on me as I learned some life lesson I probably could have learned at home. My last 2 memories at an airport being full of only pain, the last was ‘just a ride’. As I was being told how bad of a person I was, I was diving deep into myself and looking at every life choice I made, obsessed with figuring out why and if it was a cause of trauma. I was telling the story, searching for more blame than I should have taken, adding “but I did this” and “I did this though” for the consensus being I did what I had to do to take care of my kids and that I should have just come clean about it, but that’s also a hard thing to come clean about when you already feel unstable. Communication was off. We were on different pages. Shit, he was in a different book. Seeing them on Saturday is like a new wound opened up next to the one the scab just came from. Every ‘why’ I could answer with self-blame became a question again. They were good to me too. Was it a game? Were they that good at pretending I was someone I wasn’t, or the idea of me was new and different but just the fun one that teaches people lessons they need to learn? The words ‘entitled’ and ‘selfish’ being so hurtful but the act being so obvious when bringing up what I did. The insults cutting way deeper than anyone knows when I was accused of having actual feelings and even touching them because of how much I split my soul in half to separate it. I showed myself and my real life to the person I truly cared about, and I treated the other person just like they treated me, a part time person that served a purpose. I was asked what they got if it wasn’t physical- they felt like they were taking care of someone. They wanted to be a provider, and I was facing losing everything and that included the apartment my 2 daughters had just gotten used to sleeping at, so I let him be a provider. People do stupid things out of fear. I was never trying to be hurtful, I ruined myself trying to only hurt myself because in the end… that’s exactly what I did. I tried to believe something because someone else did, when actually our definition was extremely different. I have always bounced back quickly, except now. I have driven so many miles, listened to so many of the same songs, cried so many tears, unblocked someone in the hopes of them apologizing or saying anything nice, laid in my bed knowing they thought my life was so different than it was. Becoming friends with someone I previously dated because they had seen the worst side of me and saw how I had grown, and they helped me try and divert from doing the same stupid thing I had done before. It was too late, but they did help. They reminded me that I was indeed, loyal.. but when I feel the other person is checked out, I just check out to avoid getting hurt. I had forgotten that. I had forgotten anything I did before I was in the relationship I was in. My skills in compartmentalizing worked until it sniffed out a familiar scent and both memories come back like a fucking train and slam you in the forehead. Then there was the phase where you try to prove the person right… that one’s exhausting. I made it about 3 days going out every night (no guys, I just couldn’t do it even though I wanted to out of spite once) and I hung out with my friends only to go home and lay in bed wishing things were different. Had all of this hope that the one person I showed myself to would eventually forgive me and see that I really never meant any harm, and I went so deep to figure out why I will lie when I’m scared someone will leave. I needed to do that for myself anyway, but I always overestimated how much they cared for me or my heart. Then my birthday comes around, I know the snapchat memories are coming… and I leave the state to avoid seeing them and to… I don’t know, spite them? Prove them right? See if I was wrong? See if I could have a fun weekend with someone and go home? That trip was an outcry for help, that was when I really hit a low point, but that’s also the trip I accepted myself for me and I learned how to be capable alone. Fully talking about the situation and being told where I was wrong but also where I wasn’t. Checking my phone every 5 minutes for a text for a person that texted you the day before to avoid texting you on your birthday because they knew where you were… texting the day before when you were there is just as bad. There is no telling the messages I’ve missed, I’m sure nasty and full of the hate they make so obvious. The last message I got that wasn’t like that triggered me because it said that I knew that loved me, and I truly don’t think that’s true… especially now. They wanted to heal and stop the unspoken back and forth… heal from what? When you’re back with the person you spent money to divorce, the one you called your new girlfriend their name, you’re healing from THEM… not me. There’s nothing for you here. The hardest part was how it made me so bitter about myself. I hated the fact that I could make friends so easily. I hated that I was friendly. The night of the show that I tried to not talk to anyone being the first night I had a bad trip and having the worst night of my life. Realizing answers along the way of the never ending hair Mary was that the first time I had lied.. I was just shocked it was a big deal. I had to learn that if a situation is not calm, I will do whatever it takes to calm it before I start talking. Angry, upset, anything uncomfortable. Add that on top of the risk of someone leaving? OOF. That broke my brain. It was something I had to, unfortunately, go through again to break the habit. I had to catch myself in the middle of the act of doing it to divert the habit to just talk about it. It took longer than it should. They stuck around longer than I would think anyone would.. but WHY? I think it was to see how far they could push someone away and still be longed for and begged for. People would ask me why I stayed… and it was because after April, when they would treat me good, that was the way I had wanted them to treat me when we were fine. For the first time in my life, I had loved someone more than I loved myself…and I didn’t know what to do with it. I felt so fragile, so scared to let someone see the full me that I would make mistakes to push them away before I could expose too much of myself.. so why did I let myself show everything to someone that was walking away, VOICING that they were walking away. When it’s so easy for me to be done, why did I let myself get to the point of saying “CAN I PLEASE JUST HAVE HOPE?” Think about that question. That’s not a question anyone should ever ask, much less one that should be yelled at. I was like one of those inflatable yard decorations, popping back up after a punch. Eventually, I got tired. I was tired of begging someone to talk to me. Begging someone to stop saying they were gone. They wonder why I couldn’t fully come clean. How could I, when the very reason of me lying was still very much on the table. If someone was going to stay, they needed to say something. At least that it was a maybe. Telling someone how done you are is not a way to get them to feel safe enough to tell you the darkest secrets of themselves. THEN- you get so used to telling the story you just blurt it out, your self-identity spiraling out of control. Next thing you know, you’re in Austin having the worst trip of your life, literally, and you’re standing on a slippery piece of wood that’s nailed to a tree and holding a rope over a river. A “water ritual” or something. Meeting someone who had done this in cambodia and swore by it- the idea is like a baptism at the end of it. You think of all of the things you want to let go, and when you come out of the water, you’re cleansed of it. I had taken almost everything of that relationship, with a love story movie type idea in my head (ha ha) and I was sent a picture of this person on the very bridge that I thought meant so much. I got that picture and the last actual thought I remember was “owwww” and just throwing them back the day I was supposed to come home. I let my guard down to where I was just completely incoherent in public, and it allowed me to be in a situation where I was easily vulnerable, and thanks to the “weird ritual girl” got out before their hands went anywhere else. Things are like flashes from that night, the water ritual standing out so vividly it feels like daytime. I remember her saying “say what you need to say and jump” and I realized I didn’t climb up there to let him go, I climbed up there to forgive myself for the harm I had done to MY soul. I was sorry to ME for hurting ME, and I had to realize that was okay… and that was not taking away me being sorry for hurting someone else.

Looking back, jumping into a river in the dark is so stupid… but there were a group of kids that had already jumped in. (Yes I just took their word for it, haha). The bike driver (who looked just like TVBOO) took me to the perfect spot and then waited for me, I was terrified he was going to leave. I remember being up there, I didn’t want to jump. I had hyped myself up soooo hard for this, I was terrified of fucking slides and heights and I did not want to let the relationship go. I had walked past a church earlier that day and they were talking about fear and anxiety holding you back, and she was in the water and said something about fear… & I heard that word and I just let go. I held onto that rope and I remember thinking “I don’t know when to let go, I’m scared to let go” and then I just… let it go. I hit the water (I don’t remember hitting the water) and the first thought I can remember after thinking “Oh yeah it’s just like this situation, scared to let go” was that I knew I was about to come up for air. I knew that I had water in my nose and mouth, I was in a river, it was ICE cold, but I knew that I was about to be able to breathe, and it was the most refreshing feeling. I came out of that water and that’s when I realized I had forgiven myself. When she told me to think of what I needed to, the only thing I thought was “you did what you had to do, the only thing you knew to do” and I jumped. I also jumped off of the bridge him and I sat at, but less climatic and not as far as you think it’s going to be. Once I swung from that rope, I was untouchable for like, an hour haha. I got home like, Tuesday… and that’s when I realized all of my trips were just me running away. I was so busy envying my ex for being okay that I was running my body into the ground. I was tired. I was putting on a front that I was okay, only to let it down when they were around. The only positive words being from my ex, who saw the struggle I was doing for this person. They’re the ones that told me “you let them in, you fully gave in this time and you never have”. The only positive encouragement that I was actually growing, and them telling me “the old you would have never talked about this, you are not the same” because the self-loathing had separated from the relationship. I had let this fully consume my life, with hope at the end of it. They’re not to blame for my reactions or responses. Only I am. I had to accept what I did when I felt like someone was checked out… and right when I started to stop constantly thinking about that, I see them with their ex-wife and every settled feeling is stirred up and all that’s left is a feeling of insignificance. I can distract myself all day, but there’s just anger and confusion. I don’t have a good opinion of a person that I loved so much and it’s because it’s what they have cared to show me. Mistakes don’t define a person. Their character defines them. I hated myself for what I did, I caused pain with words when I was really hurt and I hate that. But I also hated myself for NOT wanting to hurt someone. Before, I’d be about revenge and blah blah blah. I just wanted to fix it this time. I thought I had found the person that saw through all of the toxic fog and saw me. Realizing that it was never the case has made it to where it was impossible to sleep or eat. Made it to where I’ve tried to take my life, and thought about it more than anyone ever should. Let myself hit lower than rock bottom, knowing nobody is there to save me. Learned lessons, lived lessons. It’s like a double nose scrunch. Like “I wish you knew how wrong you were, you’d feel so stupid if you knew the things you accused me of vs what actually was true” and…. Yeah no, that’s pretty much it. Some days, that’s the only thing that helps me make it through, knowing how wrong they are… and knowing how shocked they would be if they knew and saw.. but I had to stop living for them, and hoping they’d come back. I had to stop writing any kind of post, hoping they would read it and sparing feelings or details. I had to realize that I was alone, they were not there, their heart was never mine. The reason I hurt before is literally the reason I self-sabotaged things… to hurt over a mistake that I CAUSED. It’s much easier to know “this person left me because I did this” instead of “this person just didn’t love me”. It still sucks, but at least you’re not left with self-doubt and the new wound of the pain of a relationship being only yours to carry.