tarynitup

For 2023, this day would take the cake as the worst.

Family alone, without a relationship, really showed me that it’s not about family. It’s about who wants to be decent to you and love you and listen to you and be considerate about you.

I was supposed to have both girls Wednesday night. Shane decided he didn’t want to wake up early Thursday so kenzie is going to midland a day earlier than planned. Didn’t tell me until I was at my new job. I go to pick up addy, she walks outside and said Shane told her to just come out. I leave, and get a message about not coming in and making addy go outside.

I get home, my mom comes over and asks addy if she wants to go with her to do Uber eats and to PICK UP MY DAD. I tell my mom “I don’t want dad to stay the night here” several times. Addy wanted to go because she was upset with me, rightfully so. My mom told me they would only be gone a few hours. I go to bed before midnight, they’re not back.

I wake up, and immediately knew my dad had stayed in my house. It STUNK like cigarettes. I was furious. I go upstairs to tell addy when we were leaving and asked when they got back. 1-2. IN THE MORNING. More fury. My mom comes over, never knocking. Asks me what’s wrong as I’m holding back tears. In the last 24 hours, everything I’ve tried to say has been ignored. I told her over and over it didn’t matter, I didn’t want to talk about it. She keeps pushing and I broke down and told her I didn’t have any time with addy at all and I told her I didn’t want my dad to sleep there because my house smelled like shit. I’m sorry, MY DAD SMELLS! I barely feel like it’s my house, I don’t want to be stuck in my room for ANYone on my couch. She FREAKS out and told me I just had to tell her to bring addy home, but she bitches about making extra trips all the time and I didn’t have the fight in me. She gets upset and defends my dad and yells HAPPY THANKSGIVING and storms out. I told her don’t ask me if you don’t want to know.

She knew she was wrong in some way, and instead of apologizing, she goes and tells my dad I don’t want him there. Now I have both parents crying because I’m so mean. Maybe I just wanted to be heard and hear an apology when my feelings got hurt?

“I’m going by the words you said, I didn’t know it was because of that”

Oh NOW you listen? When you can twist them? And now he’s suddenly done something to you that it’s awful I say “I want him to stay just not sleep on my couch, there’s 2 houses up here”. Now he’s not welcome there ever, at all?

I am detaching from my family. From it all. I took accountability in the fort and they knew it because they said it was the first time I had said they didn’t cause it.

Why am I the only one trying to take it? Why does it only matter when it benefits them and doesn’t make them have to take any? Why can I come to someone and speak my insecurities and admit to self sabotaging because it was easier than accepting someone didn’t love me but nobody else can do ANYthing like that? Why am I painted the wrong one when it fits and the possibility of being wrong is just absurd? Just because I don’t admit I’m wrong with every single accusation doesn’t mean I’m never wrong. I’m plenty wrong.

Just ask me something I’m actually wrong about if you want the accountability. Notice when I’ve actually been better about taking that accountability instead of looking at all the past times I couldn’t or didn’t. Give me the space to be wrong, but also give me the chance to be right, even if it means you thought incorrectly. I have been admitting where I was wrong so much, especially recently.

Sorry everyone expects me to always be wrong. I have always believed in people, people in my life right now don’t believe in me.

So, I’m working on thanksgiving, because I’m all I have at the end of the day. I know the truth. I believe in myself. I see where I’ve changed. I respect myself. I respect my peace I fight so hard to keep.

My parents are not my problem. Someone wanting me to be wrong or making up where I’m wrong is not my problem. My reactions to them is my problem. My actions based on reactions is my problem. Someone being hurt over an action or reaction is a problem- if they tell me. I can’t help someone read Harry Potter if they’re looking for Waldo as we’re in the Goblet of Fire. Waldo isn’t there this time, wrong book.