tarynitup

Desperately trying to reset my brain and try to erase a chunk of my life got a lot easier when I was standing in the middle of realization-ville.

They wanted me home, to be happy for them when they took a trip I really was hurt over trying to plan for them previously, and I did my best. We decided to not do the separate thing anymore because when they left (and I could have gone), they acted like it bothered them. Add on the rest of the events…

I had always wanted them to be there to experience something WITH me that meant something to US instead of allowing me to tag along to experience something important to them. I wanted to share the experience with them, down to my core. Looking around and seeing what they saw when we were on loving terms and knowing they didn’t want to share that with me… that pain went deep into my soul. They had made that place THEIR place that they shared with me.

I run off because I’m hurting and I have no one to share my experiences with, so I shove myself into doing them alone to try to learn to enjoy it on my own again. No tag along. No meet up.

I’m just trying to live my life as I did before I met the person that thought about trying… because they live theirs as if I don’t exist. Only popping in to tell me why they’re leaving or why they wouldn’t want this. If you don’t want people to be pissed at you for how you consistently treat them, the only person you can be mad at is yourself. I’m sorry I believed the mean words you said but didn’t mean, you said them. I’m held accountable for my mean words and i apologize for them.

They can think I’m cold, heartless, a liar… I don’t care anymore. I’ve exhausted myself trying to get them to understand something they don’t want to understand. They can think it’s the same, but I wouldn’t have left them in bed when I went to the airport. I would have gotten in bed with them, because they were more important. They keep experiencing life and doing things I wanted to do together but then get mad that I do the same things and I’m forcing a smile and I’m dying inside. I deserve those healing moments too. And the next time, I won’t be planning it 12 hours before I leave. I’ll be intentional about it, because hopefully, I’m not running off for illenium to stick a bandaid on my bullet wound.