tarynitup

When I had the fucked up thought of “when they check in and decide they want to be with me, I’ll stop all of this because I know I’m not alone” and as wrong as that was, I still didn’t feel like they were in it, I felt like I was going to fall flat on my face with no one to notice, and if I had known how they felt instead of guessing and at the end of the 3 months and going on a trip and nothing changed, my heart started to crack. We had way too many moments by then to not be a couple.

They didn’t see the stress I put myself under after that decision. The sleep I lost, the worry I’ve had… karma collected. Quickly. They forget how much I had going on and how they weren’t there for me during one of the scariest times for me as a parent because they disagreed and I NEVER stopped myself being there, even if I disagreed.

Just because they didn’t care about what was going on doesn’t mean my world didn’t crumble. When all you’ve wanted was for them to drop the pride and listen to what I’ve been trying to say and begging them to see that I felt alone in a relationship I desperately wanted to be forever and they kept themselves at a distance to not get hurt and what they did caused a domino effect. I could have reacted differently, but I wish they’d let themselves see I was reacting to them hurting me, and hurting me deeply, and I fought like hell to get it to change while trying to make sure I would be okay if it never did.

And I’m really, really angry at them for not being there. They’ll never let themselves admit that if they had been better about communicating their feelings and where I stood with them, I would have never felt alone and that I had to take care of myself. It wasn’t that I expected them for financial support. I felt like they would stop being there the second it was hard emotionally. I needed someone to talk to and someone to help lead me in a good direction, and when you’re in a relationship with someone that tells you they love you and want to be there for you… they should be able to help guide you in a hard time in your life. Emotionally. Rationally. When someone’s panicking, they need someone calm and rational. We make stupid choices when we think things are falling apart and sometimes, we just need the person that feels like home to be there. Just like with the situation with my child, I just needed guidance.

I looked up to them… and they let me down.. and I waited for them to realize how much I looked up to them..

I miss Kristen. She knew everything. Every. Thing.