tarynitup

https://spotify.link/kep5bTr83Jb

Maybe one day, my hatred or whatever this burning anger is will be gone. Maybe one day I’ll be able to let myself remember the way your face looks, or how your name looks. Maybe one day I’ll be able to look back on us and not feel like I was a favorite child’s toy that got broken. Maybe one day… I’ll understand how someone can be so distant when they care and how they can continue to let a person have hope when they know they aren’t capable of loving them. Maybe one day, I’ll feel like there was any point of us at all. I remember them saying they were scared to let their hand off the cliff and jump on with me, ignoring that I had jumped and was holding onto them.

But I don’t hate them.

They think I’m just an angry and bitter person, but they don’t see how they took all of my love for granted every day. I made a joke about cleaning their house and how I needed to be bumped up from an internship and they gave me the side eye- act for the job you want. They should have never let me think I had a chance.

“Did you expect me to give you a second chance after you did what you did?”

No. But you gave me half chances over and over and wonder why I think you care.

My therapist told me “he had it made with you, he told you he would never commit to you and you responded with “I just want you to love me” so why would he think you would ever leave? You agreed to the absolute bare minimum and he let you continue.” She gets frustrated that I defend him, and she lays out how he led me on me since day 1 and i shouldn’t have gone out of town with someone without knowing where I stood with him. Love bombed, idealized.. but when I needed more, I was broken down, devalued, and discarded… and used when they were lonely because they knew I’d never say no. Maybe it was the way they viewed themselves, maybe that’s not their character. I know I acted way out of character when I was scared.

They have been so mean to me and it’s like when I let my sister brush my hair so hard I was crying silently in her lap. Even if it’s painful, as long as they’re loving me…

She said “do you recognize them in anyone from your past?” And I realized yes… me.

I had always wondered if something was wrong with me. I didn’t feel for my boyfriends the way I thought I should and I thought I was just broken, but I just had never allowed myself to open my heart. Once I finally did, I knew why I never did before. I ran the second things got hard, and I refused to ever sit with myself. I’d claim to be alone but by my own choosing because I wanted people to tell me things that didn’t hurt my feelings.

He was my karma. As mean as it sounds, he was. It took me dating myself to allow myself to change. I finally saw how being half in with someone made the other person feel… and I felt so terrible I just wanted to fix it.

Their indifference started to trigger my abandonment wounds. I remember telling them I felt like I was dating my celebrity crush and they ate it up. It shouldn’t have been that way. They literally hurt me every chance they get now, whether it’s small and passive aggressive comments or huge blows and only focus on me defending myself. They don’t see they kept getting back in line with me and claiming they didn’t, but reassuring me when they were with me and telling me bullshit like I was the love of their life and they wanted to show me how important I was to them… to turn around and refuse to ever let me talk about anything once I start to and telling me I’m lying by letting that be the story WHEN THEY DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!

I was damned if I did, damned if I didn’t with them. And I don’t want to be angry anymore.

Maybe one day I’ll feel different. I truly hope they go up and see who they need to see, I feel like it’s been overdue and they don’t want anyone else to care about them. So I’m done trying. I don’t know if it’s them in the end, but I know I don’t want it to be them right now. I did… but they kept laughing in my face and getting mad when I get hurt. Every time I reach out to try to resolve anything, I get emotional, and I try to control it… but it’s so hard to let something go when you don’t understand it at all. I understand if we had fully ended a year ago, I’d still have questions I’m sure, but not enough where my heart is still pointing at them like north on a compass.

I loved them. The good parts and the bad parts. I tried to love the bad even more because I knew they needed it. I got tired in the beginning because I felt like I was loving alone… and then I felt loved inconsistently, but I saw the amazing potential they have. The huge amount of capability to do ANYthing they want, and how smart they are. I kept waiting for them to see it too, and I just kept pouring into them with their drain open and just running through them. I think they’re unhappy with themselves and their life, I don’t think it all had to do with me, but I tried to not give up. I tried to be there for them through everything they’d let me be there for. Maybe one day I’ll feel different.. but for right now, my heart is in pieces and begging for me to let it be enough. If they want to come to me, they know where to find me. If they don’t, I tried harder than I think anyone ever could try. I learned from my mistakes and I fought like hell to change them. I had remorse for hurting them and I did the self work to not hurt them again or anyone else OR myself. I loved fully and I put my whole heart into it blindly. Unfortunately… you’re only as good as your last mistake, and I feel completely invisible unless I’m angry, and I am just so damn tired of hurting.