tarynitup

I’m so tired of the anger that will never be resolved.

I’m so tired of feeling like I imagined it all.

Camping was the final blow. My launch into infinite confusion.

I’m not an angry person. It’s not my nature. Everyone in my family is and I hated it. I became what I hated.

No more.

So many posts written in anger, desperation… and for what?

For me to be in the same place on her birthday a year later? For me hurting over his birthday coming up that I was never going to be allowed to celebrate?

I feel nothing. No happiness, no sadness.

But I refuse to let myself continue to be angry. This is the part where my brain will start to lock all of the memories away, soon I won’t allow myself to remember at all. Not because I want to. It takes a huge part of me away with it.

I always looked up to them. Followed their lead. They don’t care, so I shouldn’t care.

I genuinely tried to be there for them, to help them. My life is changing in so many good ways right now and I always wanted them to be a part of it when my life went back to “normal”.. but my life is getting better every day and it’s because I choose to let it. I took my lessons, I ate my karma, I paid for my mistakes and I’ve owned them. My life bottomed out but because I allowed myself to admit where I was truly wrong and how much of a part I played in my own demise, it’s fucking blooming now.

They didn’t make me seek my needs being met elsewhere.

They caused me to feel emotionally unsafe in the relationship with their distance. Relationship should have ended there, but it didn’t. I loved them so much and they triggered a wound I didn’t know I needed to heal. They became a love I had to chase, an inconsistent love, a love I grew up knowing. Feeling like I loved too much and too hard and pushing them away. The inner child in me has been getting her ass kicked by familiarity, defeat, and an ache for a love that will never love her back. Adult me is getting kicked by the same thing.

I felt unsafe and alone and instead of leaving, I tried to fix it and I tried to be less anxious, more fun, less dramatic… while trying to make sure I’d be okay when I’d inevitably fail because the one thing I’m the worst at is pretending to be someone I’m not. People think I’m joking when I warn them in the beginning. The greatest thing I ever chose to do though- was to turn the love I was giving to them inward. It only worked like 22%, but I’m back to loving myself. I feel good about myself. But to get here, I had to really admit the reasons I didn’t feel so good, and i had to admit them to the people it affected.

I’ve loved so much, tried so much…missed so much.

I just need to let it fucking be enough.