tarynitup

I kept myself locked in a cage where I couldn’t grow because I wanted to avoid the pain.

Nobody likes to admit where they’re wrong.. especially when they’re wrong a lot.

I remember one of the first days of the breakup, I couldn’t get out of bed. I had recently come across old screenshots from the one I met at the festival in 2021, and I saw that it was the same thing, one just longer than the other. I had loved and opened up to 2 people that had the biggest 2 things in common- lust hidden as love for me and they were both…. Emotionally unavailable to me.

And I think that’s why I cared so hard.

Reading the screenshots from the first one is really difficult. They were VERY open with words and feelings and the love bombing is unreaaaal and what I used to think as sweet I see as fake, but i remembered suddenly how long I was sad over them, and I saw myself in the same situation, because of my same toxic habits. I can only blame C so much, I stayed even when I felt like it annoyed him to care about me. I seemed like a good idea in the beginning, but when I actually needed the work I warned him about, I wasn’t easy and he was already not fully in it.

I thought “how do I not end up here again?” I had tried everything, I thought.

Except for being alone. Except for feeling my feelings instead of thinking about them. Losing my job kickstarted the year of free time… and I see so many changes now, healing is ugly and it’s never over. I have days where I feel okay, days I feel good, but there’s always moments of heavy sobbing. I took a bath last night for the first time alone in like 2 years and I cried the entire time. The deep sobbing where your body is tired after. If you let yourself feel the emotion you’re trying to hold back, we’re only wired to feel it for an average of 90 seconds. You’d be surprised that if you let yourself cry and really feel it and cry, you’ll start to self soothe at about 90 seconds. The rest is us thinking about our feelings.

The only reason I’m glad I stayed is because I got to know C for the person he was outside of just a relationship. I loved being there for him because when he let himself be present, I saw who he was and that’s why I stayed. It wasn’t just because he triggered trauma, it was the things he does, how he sees life when he quietens his head. He was so used to having to be defensive, I constantly was working on how to be better. I hated how I hurt him and I worked hard to change. I stayed and fought for a love that truly made us both feel whole, sometimes people can’t stop the war in their heads though.

Life without him isn’t something I ever wanted. And I still don’t. But I can’t put it on hold anymore. I was always worried he’d forget me when I didn’t have time to bug him.. but I have to realize he started to forget me when I was bugging him.

Tvboo hurt. As I told someone I didn’t watch tvboo with anyone besides close friends, I look over and see him. Mother’s Day hurt. Hallsville hurt. Easter. All things so recent. All things when I was giving my everything and telling them I was ok with them not committing but just loving me.

How could they respect me when I didn’t respect myself?

Changing who you let yourself be attracted to is hard as fuck. Realizing when I’m into someone because it’s a chase has gotten easier. I realized it when the teacher texted me at 2 in the morning, asking why I ever liked them and how they were awful to me and could have been better. Jokes on me, I was too busy being inconsistent to them that I didn’t even notice. He said “I didn’t think I could commit to anyone and I felt awful and you deserved better” and I realized he felt guilty for doing that to me where I never even noticed… because he was actually sorry. He acknowledged what he felt he did to hurt me, placed no blame on me, apologized and explained why and how it wasn’t about me. Even though that ship sailed, the sentiment was very appreciated, plus he’s 2 for 2 with timing. He texted me in the middle of me having the worst panic attack to date and after reaching out to the wrong person. I needed someone in that moment but couldn’t work my phone because of other things to reach out to anyone, and the first time he ever called me was during a bad trip when I left BTSM/Kai Wachi early and he talked me down and we hadn’t even met. The other night, I really thought I had finally taken too much and I genuinely thought I was dying and out of nowhere, the universe threw me a lifeline. I also got up and threw away the purple string and something that had over half left in it.

Today is my first clinical day. I FaceTimed my boss last night and learned that she picked me for very specific reasons, and she waited 3 months and overworked herself to find the perfect people and what should be 4 weeks of training for me is 1-2 and I’m on my own this Thursday after 2 days of training. I learned how fucking big this company is and how much I can move up to several different positions, and I can live in austin or Colorado. I decided to keep my head down and work as hard as I can because I was finally somewhere that a lot of growth is available to me. Very very very well paid growth. I already got hired 3 positions above the starting position, I’m only one job title under lead.

And the pressure is crushing me.

My mom also has a date. She met someone that’s stable LMAO and treats her very well. She’s so blind to it that she didn’t think ANYthing until he got her roses last night. She walked in this morning with flowers and asked if I wanted them. I said “don’t fuck this up because you’re scared, you can’t be alone forever and don’t push away someone that is putting effort into you”. Can’t afford it sis, you a bitch. (Truth, not sorry. She refuses to let herself meet someone so if it’s gonna happen, shits gotta be dropped in her lap… and it was. I joke, but I’m happy for her. I let her use my car because it gets her the fuck out of the house 😂

I met someone the night of tvboo and he has one of my physical dealbreakers but so many people have told me how shallow that is, and he’s been politely asking me out since that night and I just don’t know. I don’t know what it’s supposed to feel like if C wasn’t right. I’ve had a love that woke up my soul… I don’t want to settle for something less than that… and the brutal truth is that I have talked to several people, friends or guys flirting- and nobody has ever made me feel the way he did, not even close. Nobody has ever caught my attention like that and made me want to know them like my life depends on it. I’ve realized so much of C being distant isn’t my fault, he had been told he was aloof before, and I’ve learned someone that’s at war with themselves can’t give anyone peace until they stop battling themselves. Wanting to help someone just figure out how to figure their shit out has been the most frustrating feeling. I’ve learned that my nature is seeing the good in people, which is exactly why I’m good at my healthcare job. It’s why my grandma wanted me to be a nurse. Talking to my friend from red rocks, she’s a nurse too and she said “we literally want to see the good in people and help them get to their best, it’s why we’re nurses and we’re good ones”. I

I never wanted to save him. I just wanted to love him and make him feel safe and loved and be there for him so he could save himself without feeling so alone. I wanted to help him see how capable of saving himself he was and how I was right there if he needed me.