tarynitup

He ended things with someone because of me (he says).

He took someone out RIGHT before we went out of town together.

He called me Vanessa not long after that.

He called me Sarah not long after THAT. (4 times in 2 years and it’s his ex wife, and not all of those times were fights, one was when we were making a fort)

My friend found him on tinder in December.

He started trying to date not even a month after we broke up the first time.

He was dating someone immediately after our attempted stargazing trip. IMMEDIATELY.

He was with his ex wife at a rave. Things got “handsy” but “that’s it.”

He lied about a girl texting him because I didn’t say “in contact” and I didn’t specify. He knew her before me but then said he didn’t ever meet her.

Called me his ex wife’s name again just talking in bed.

He started fights so he could justify ignoring me while he was doing fucked up things that he knew would hurt me.

He said he just wants me to stop hurting, yet continues to do fucking awful things that hurt me.

He admitted to love bombing me in the beginning. To studying me…

And when I saw that he actually had feelings and told him I felt tolerated and I needed more, he pulled away… but not before he breadcrumbed me (and admitted to it later) every time he felt me pull away.

He broke up with me and said he needed to be happy with himself. He knew nothing that was going on when he broke up with me.

He told me the most attractive trait to him was authenticity.

……

It was right there in front of me, the entire time.

It is extremely unhealthy, selfish, toxic, and disgusting to tell your ex you love them, you miss them, you think about them… as you’re starting a new relationship with someone.

I got called vanessa and Sarah because the boy moves so fast between girls, he literally doesn’t fucking know which one he’s with.

Now, I see things for how they truly are.

He didn’t love me. If anything, he hated me. He studied me to figure out what I wanted, and he tried to become that. He needed me to be authentic so he could mirror me, get me to form an attachment to him, and when I needed him to put action behind his words, he threw me away and made me feel like I didn’t matter.

The last year (both years but really the last one)- I was nothing more than supply for him.. and he tested to see how shitty he could be and the amount of good he needed to be to keep me around until someone else came along that thought he was perfect, just like I did in the beginning.

The more I tried, the more he showed his true colors… and by the end, he was openly telling me how he didn’t care about my feelings.

“I wish I could say it won’t happen again, but I don’t trust myself” really translates to “I care about other people’s feelings over yours, I’m going to continue to do whatever I want to you and apologize later because you’ve proven you’ll never leave and you just want me to love you”

Telling me I was never going to fix it… fuck you.

He stole a year of my fucking life with absolutely no intention or interest in staying.

And then turns everything back on me.

He could never stop himself and say “this would hurt Taryn, I’m not doing it”- he’d just do it and apologize later. But he will do it for someone else.

Anytime he could choose someone over me, he did.

I have no doubt he hung out with her the day before he left for Cali.

He is incapable of being alone. I thought I was bad before.

Tripping over that box on the floor and looking up at him, I saw a different person. He physically looks different.

I know he did that same shit to me in the beginning. I knew it then but didn’t want to see it. I opened up to him and he soaked it up because I handed him everything he needed to destroy me.

I refused to believe it because I saw empathy, I saw tears, I saw growth.

The rubber band effect.

You can stretch a rubber band- people can show growth, can be taught slight empathy… but the second something goes wrong in any part of their life- just like a rubber band- it pops and goes back to the size it was before.

You don’t admit to love bombing someone if you want them to believe you loved them.

They don’t give a fuck if I cry.

Was he hanging out with people, justifying it as okay in his head because sex didn’t happen?