tarynitup

I know I’ve made everything seem like it was so terrible… like i was so mistreated the entire time… that i never felt love… but that isn’t true.

I lost got in their eyes. I got lost in listening to them talk. The moments like when we were in that tiny glamping house, or when we stayed in the smallest room ever with clyde and floated the river (minus me trying to conceal my tantrum of being on a second trip and still being only a little more than friends). The first time I sat in a hammock, and the last time we sat in a hammock together. The spotify queue that we didn’t set up. The feeling that someone was there for you, had your back, knew you and what you were going through. The feeling of someone being able to look at the moon and know you’ll be excited about it. Someone that, when you had their attention, made the world go quiet. Going on trips to quieten the world and all the intrusive thoughts of why we “might” not work, getting closer than we ever thought we could, just unsure of how to not fumble it. We were both scared… I get lost in that. I get lost in the countless showers, the original vape, moving the coffee table, seeing them blossom into learning what they like, knowing they didn’t think they could grow as a person with me and they needed to be alone…

Some days, I tell myself I’m okay. I think of the bad, I think of the pain- and I’m able to shut it out. The bad was bad, but to me… the true good… that was what I fought for. I fought for my absolute best friend, the person that knew more about me than any person in the past/present/future ever could. I fought for the love that made me want to change the parts of myself I didn’t like, and I wanted to forgive them for hurting me when they were truly trying.

I backslid, tried to rush into something new after I felt worthless to them… but this time I didn’t ignore the red flag staring in front of me. What was rushed was doomed to fail, and I threw so much hope into something that did not have a lot of potential… the only thing was that they were easy to talk to. Didn’t get very deep into conversation topics, he literally hated talking about any kind of feeling, and then forgot how to be a mature 34 year old man that owns 3 businesses and is an ex-marine and got in a bar fight, got arrested, and asks his EX-WIFE to call me to reschedule our plans… (btw, my response was a laugh and “tell him I think I’ll pass”) The next 2 people I talked to- I offended very, very quickly haha… look don’t get mad at me when I say I really can’t stand animal print on clothing.. not a personal attack…

Everything was a comparison to them though. Even at 2 nights of concerts, the music wasn’t loud enough to get the memories of driving around when them, listening to old rap/r&b music on sundays, 11:11 ON november 11, the way we both thought the other looked in white sheets and the windows… all of the pictures they used to take when they loved me…

So, yes… I make it seem like it was all bad… because if I let myself remember how it is when we just let ourselves be together… because deep down, I wish I could shake it, my heart just keeps telling myself it’s you, it’s always been you. I hope for my sake I get past it… I know you’re not coming back… I don’t know if I could come back… but sometimes I wonder.. do you ever get lost thinking about me too…