tarynitup

If i could go back to any time in my life, it would be 2 years ago from today.

And probably not for all of the reasons you might think.

As I sit here… another night… bawling until my face burns, falling apart, overwhelmed with the pain of missing someone that thinks everything was all bad (if they even think about you at all)… and being exhausted of trying to keep up pretending like I hate them… I can’t stop from wondering how long I’m going to feel this way. I feel dead inside most days. I have moments where happiness comes through, but it’s not long until reality hits me in the face. The only thing I know to do is to feel it…they forgot about us, I need to try to do it too.

If I could go back, I wouldn’t tell myself not to do it… no, definitely not that.

If I could go back, I’d tell that girl to sit down and focus on where she wanted to be in her life. I’d tell her that she’s about to meet someone that is going to catch her attention like nobody ever has, someone that will captivate her completely and change her world and the way she views love. I’d warn her that she isn’t fully healed yet, and she is going to feel triggered…and if not careful, will become a version of herself she doesn’t recognize. I’d warn her that he’s scared too, and to work on communication over the love you will have instantly for each other. I’d warn her that he’s going to challenge her in every way, some bad- but most good. I’d tell her that for the first time, she’ll want to change the ways that she’s toxic, even if it’s scary to do so, and I’d tell her that she will have a best friend that both can tell the other one anything and that person will teach her how to find her soul and will wake up the love in her heart she thought she locked away. I’d tell her that she’ll feel more fear than she ever has in her life, but not to self-sabotage it… because she’s walking into a once in a lifetime love.

I’d tell her to get rid of the mindset of “they’re going to leave, so if I mess up and give them a reason to, it will be easier for me to understand than if they just don’t want me”… because that will be the way she contributes to the downfall. I’d also tell her that when times get really hard, it’s not all her fault, and I’d tell her that in an argument, the best thing to do is give him space. I’d tell her that she was about to have the most love-filled adventures of her life, and she is going to share her most intimate and vulnerable feelings with someone that will do it back… and I’d make sure she knows to respond to any pictures showing emotion instead of being scared to over-step.

I’d tell her that he might want out in the end, but just because something is ending right now doesn’t mean it’s ending forever. I’d tell her that she will feel like she has to take care of herself and warn her that feeling lonely when you’re with someone is worse than feeling lonely alone, and to watch her fucking step.

I’d beg her to be the person I was once it was too late. I’d beg her to stand up for herself before she blows up, and I’d beg her to understand that if/when this ends, the pain is going to absolutely crush every fiber in her body, and to fight like fucking hell to avoid it.

If I could go back, I’d tell her it’s a love that will haunt her forever and she might not ever recover from losing it. I’d tell her that if it ends, she will cry literally every single day, and she will try to misplace happiness in others but it will never work. I’d warn her of the feeling of not being a person, and how long it’s lasting.

If I could go back… I’d make sure he knew how confused I was.

I thought he did.

How do you move on from someone that doesn’t even think about you…