tarynitup

We get these full circle moments sometimes of understanding why some things happen. How we’re given the chance to do the right thing, and how we have consequences when we don’t.

I’ve realized my love for Cory wasn’t love- it was an obsession of being chosen and trying to replace a love I had lost into him.

I hadn’t learned the first few lessons… so the universe brought me the devil in human form to not only teach me the lesson- but for me to understand why I had to fall so hard.

The worst part about losing one of the loves of your life is the hole that’s left afterwards, and the forever hatred of the person that helped in the destruction. I couldn’t do the one thing he asked me to, and that was just protect him as he was getting his shit together from my ex that honestly- scared the living shit out of me. People that have had someone hurt them physically don’t understand why you still talk to them- but it’s a deep rooted need to know what “mood” they’re in. If I could just vibe check him for a little bit, Adam could get out of all his shit and not be affected by an outside source that just didn’t want to own the consequences of telling their girlfriend they hated them and were done. I didn’t have the courage to stand up and constantly remind them that they’re finished forever… I just wanted peace for the person I loved. It was a love I had never felt before, and one I don’t think I want to feel again.

Needing to go to peekaboo on my birthday was to show off the guy I thought cared because I knew Adam would be there.

Would it have lasted?

I don’t know.

Did I fuck it up before I could find out?

Absolutely.

I still have all of the hard copies of our pictures. The dinosaur necklace he got me with our initials on it.

You accept it’s over. You accept that the love is done, and you learn that you went through it so you could become a better person, a better partner.

The best joke is that he was such a problem in my last relationship because I was dating insecurity disguised as a person- we might as well make what’s in the books ACTUALLY true.

All I know is that after 1.5 years of being drug through the mud, being clean for 6 months of the toxic gravitational pull feels better every day. Accepting that Cory is a coward that will never own what he did, just as others blow off my feelings and just ask “you coming over?” – fuck the question “was it real?”

The pain was real. The lesson was real. The trauma was real.

I’m going to let that be enough.

We don’t realize how comfortable we get in discomfort in being a real victim and we don’t always want to leave the place where we’re given grace because we’re going through it. Moving past something can be just as scary as being afraid of something happening, and you wake up one day and realize you don’t hurt anymore… and it’s been a WHILE since you have.