tarynitup

When the pain is so strong and you become numb, when you look and see the self inflicted wounds on top of those put there by others, when the voices saying “that’s not right” turn into ghosts I can see, when there’s a face to the name and you see your heart was treated like a piece in a game..

You’re able to see that being lonely alone is better than feeling lonely with someone, and that lonely feeling turns into peace being alone and the lonely feeling is gone. The feeling of anticipation like playing duck duck goose is gone, and there’s just peace.

Peace knowing you made colossal mistakes, but you are human. You apologized for those mistakes, finally understanding what the apology meant to them, but you can’t apologize for things that they think are true. You can’t make sense of something they made up to help clear it up for them. You remember last December, and ignoring your gut that’s been right every time you’ve investigated- but you didn’t want to know. You wanted to wake them up, ask them, and believe them. So you chose to. You desperately wanted their attention, and you knew the only way you previously felt like they wanted you and saw you as theirs was when they got jealous, so you slightly subconsciously tried to get that reaction the only way you knew how. You got upset after a fight that included the words “I hate you” and “we are done” and you let yourself go farther than you ever wanted to. You saw that they were gone and your world was empty, so you spent months learning yourself, not wanting to start anything new until you felt secure with yourself, and you were forgiving yourself. You went and saw someone that on some level, cared about you and you cared about them- because you felt like you were the only one that cared for the other person and it’s nice to feel like someone cares. Things got messy after that trip to only be cleared up on the next one, and maybe you should have not gone on the last one, but that’s when you learned the most. You didn’t know where you stood with the one you were fighting for. It doesn’t justify anything, but it doesn’t justify their actions that hurt. Acknowledge, apologize, improve.

They knew where you stood, they always knew. They know you always reached out first.

They know they made it confusing on what you meant to them.

The truth is it sucked major ass needing to talk about the stress and weight of money with the person I told my deepest fears to- and not feeling like I was able to. It sucked to have my feelings dismissed when I was desperately looking for a reason to fight to save it. I was fighting my own battle, feeling alone next to someone I thought I loved so fucking much, and it sucked and I got the point where I didn’t want to do it anymore because they also didn’t want to do it. They wanted it for different reasons after, if they wanted it at all, and I just wanted to be able to breathe. I had been taking constant hits, a lot deserved, and I just needed to take a breath. My heart was only built to take so much. I kept standing and looking for pieces to hand over.

I am not in control, I never was.

I liked taking them to the airport and picking them up. I felt like they were choosing me in the smallest way, but they were upset about their time being wasted by someone else.

Come on, stupid girl. The brain breaking frustration of defending someone else that was never anything in your life wasn’t enough? the internal cringe and soul cramp when they accuse you of someone else- and now you see that you knew you were only focused on them… if they wanted to see that, they would, but you’ve learned the hard way you can’t see one person when you’re scrolling through multiple choice options. Whether it was revenge, whatever it was, you were always an option, never fully chosen. Stupid girl.

If you’re wearing a shirt that says your mentality is your reality and you can’t see that you are as much of an anti-hero now at this point in the story as anyone, and if you’re doing shady shit, you’re going to think everyone’s doing shady shit. If you want things to be bad- they will be bad.

I cannot scream PERSPECTIVE any louder as I realize that that reality is the one they want to be in.

They wanted freedom. Not you.

I feel physically sick when I think of how low I let that situation go because I thought I deserved it.