tarynitup

My therapist loves to ask what I’d tell my childhood self…. and until now, I was unable to answer.

So if I could go back, I’d say-

You’re going to always be surrounded by people that are sad or unhappy, and it’s okay. It’s not your job to fix everyone. Your shoulders are not the place for people’s problems, not now as a child or even as an adult.

Sometimes, people will come into your life and you’ll be SO happy, and then they aren’t in your life anymore. You won’t always understand why, but you have to remember that it’s okay. It’s okay to be sad, and it’s okay to be angry, but always let it go because everyone teaches us something. Sometimes people leave, sometimes they don’t… but you cannot control it. If you try, you will cause a lifetime of problems.

That girl up there, that’s me. 1st grade. Trusting, scared, already feeling and carrying the weight of every problem around me other than mine. When everyone around me was happy, they weren’t fighting, and things were calm, so I felt safe. As an adult, I’ve realized that it turned into extreme people-pleasing. I somehow feel like I can carry more stress so others don’t have to, that I’m mentally strong enough to handle it. Why wouldn’t I think that? None of the adults in my life could handle it. I bottled my own emotions up, and set them aside. (the reason I hate when I feel like my words are ignored and feelings are ignored) and I just tried to solve everyone’s problems. I tried to gain a feeling of control, and every damn time, it back-fired and I lost control completely.

Hiding the fact that I was talking to someone I said I wouldn’t was wrong. The reason I was talking to them though was my habitual trait- protecting others. I saw how crazy he could get, I didn’t want anyone to deal with that. Seeing him out of control when I just ignored him, I took what small amount of control I could, and I spoke to him just enough to know where he was mentally. If I could tell his mood was getting fuzzy and angry, I could talk to him and divert it. Keeping him away from possibly messing up something someone was about to legally go through, keeping him away from my roommate, but keeping him close enough to know where he was mentally, so I wasn’t surprised and my door wasn’t busted in again.

So that’s what I learned this week. I don’t need complete control, I just have to feel like I have a little bit. People-pleasing and those go together.

Now- to just switch it…