tarynitup

For months, I have beaten myself senseless emotionally and I have run my body physically into the ground to try and heal/let you go/find myself/get out of bed and you have thrown comments at me about flavors of the week. How stupid you’d feel if you knew that I lost days in the summer staying in bed. I lost hours each day crying and aimlessly scrolling alone in my room or sitting in my car, listening to songs that broke my heart but avoiding ones that would crush it. Miles and miles of trying to find pieces of myself I lost to you, for you, because of you. Finally learning recently that the reason I avoided the most- I allowed this to get here. Seeing you with the one person I compared myself to made everything click for me. I’m able to look back so much faster and see that everything led up to that moment, and the guy that I made plans with and got ghosted by because, honestly- I had it coming. I have ditched enough people in the last few months, I deserved that one. I was so angry, but now I see that I found that person for one reason- to stop the breakdown I was having in the middle of the crowd at a foam party and a kind person saw me crying, handed me a balloon, and kept me in conversation 50% of the rest of the show so I could just make it through. It wasn’t until several people checked on me the next day, saying they saw me PHYSICALLY change after seeing you, with the look of excitement on your face being the last thing I remember about what you look like, because I can’t look at your pictures. I spent months trying to understand, living with so much guilt, avoiding the fact that I had to truly forgive myself… because I saw the signs in the beginning. I remember times where it felt like I was loved, and maybe the idea of me was… or maybe you really didn’t want to love her, but I have to remember the times that I felt truly like your heart was never mine because you didn’t want it to be. People would always ask if you were over your divorce when I would talk about any argument, with you looking at me swearing that would never happen, with my stomach turning when you called me her name and each time you told me anything about her… or when we were in the truck and you brought up me thinking sad songs were about her… it’s because they were. I have to accept that it’s okay that you loved her, but it wasn’t okay for me to be collateral damage for your tantrum after your wife left you. You should have never gotten with someone when you’re not over the person you paid tens of thousands of dollars to get away from, especially when they’re the mother of your children and I told you I’d never stand in the way of that. You made me feel like a mistress, but even if you knew that I don’t think you’d care. You have such an idea of what happened and one day maybe you’ll see that it’s wrong, but I have to be done waiting for that day. I’ve waited, I’ve lost people in my life, I’ve lost time, I’ve lost sleep, I’ve lost and found myself… all for you or because of you. I ran off to MN on my birthday weekend to try and prove you right, that I was doomed for only superficial, because before my birthday I wasn’t dating anyone. The teacher got put on the back burner for you and it was never the same after that, but another person I can see that was in my life for a reason- he was truly kind to me when I needed it the most, allowing me to tell him everything that happened and sitting there watching me cry over you- it was never going to be the same. Did you know the damage you would cause when you would eventually leave? I didn’t KNOW it would, I just knew that you would do what you want and you had wanted to break up once… it was very likely it would come again. And it did. You refuse to recognize the fact that before I told you anything- you were leaving. I saw the facebook posts about how you talked to her and the nicknames you allowed to be public. If you wanted to make someone feel good, you did. Same went for bad. If you wanted me to know you had ‘picked’ me, you would have told me. It took me from july-october to be called your girlfriend as I was being held to the standard of one and I was very open about being insecure… you don’t think I’d maybe worry about the future? When you said you had one left in you, never saying it was me or that it could be me.. and I allowed that pain to come in every time I heard a comment like that, but silently affected. At first, it was truly because I didn’t know what to do… but I got greedy at the end, I got selfish, and I thought that if I could keep you with material things, I served some purpose to you. I wanted to do your laundry because I was useful to you, beneficial some way in your life. You’re smart enough to have seen that. You have taken up so much of my headspace, and it’s space I desperately have wanted to give you, but it’s haunting me, and you’re gone because you want to be. I told you I felt tolerated, and I tolerated that because you were still in my life. I was willing to settle for second if I had you, and I had to lose you to love me- and I know that I deserved better than that… and I deserved better before I ever made any mistake. I told you things nobody knew, you have to see that if I felt like I could have talked to you, I would have. You underestimate my need to have you honestly, I was breaking, you saw it. People would read this and think “what was she even trying to save?”

I loved you fully, completely, openly, truly and purely. I loved everything about you, even the parts you hated because I thought they deserved the most love. I opened up to you physically and maybe I will again, but it had never happened before you and it has yet to since, despite what you think. Even if they didn’t belong to me, at the time I lived for the ‘sweet girl’ nicknames, how much you loved that I loved Clyde, I loved how you held the steering wheel. Who notices that, really. I loved hearing you actually laugh, and try to hold it and laugh harder. I loved your motivation to be the most capable person in the room, and I watched you cripple yourself with toxic thoughts about yourself that made you doubt it. When you read the description of a twin flame- that’s how I felt. I saw you and it was like I recognized you and was looking for someone I had lost and desperately needed to get back to. I loved when you sang to me, when you let me sing to you, when you sent me songs. I loved how the universe always sent signs of you, even when they were hurtful. I loved how you appreciated me not getting mad about you forgetting your wallet, and how secretly surprised I was to watch you eat steak fingers from dairy queen. I loved how we escaped together just at your house, days seeming like we were both hiding from the world, with those memories clouded with questions on if you were escaping her. I loved calling you to wake you up, I loved your patience. I loved learning things from you, your ability to teach always impressing me. I admired you as a boss, and looked forward to your work stories. I appreciated the fuck out of you because of the times in the bath tub and how we bonded over multiple bodies of water. I loved how you loved sunrises as much as I did, and I loved taking you to Denver on your birthday, with that tweet truly not being for you and me wishing you remembered what happened for me to be mad at her. I loved how gentle you were when it was time for it, and how comfortable I got with you when things weren’t. I loved when we picked our noses and showed each other, and how we both took pictures of each other, yours always being better… with now looking at the pictures you took of me and knowing I’ve looked through her facebook before and saw that pictures of me weren’t a special thing to me. That belonged to her. Songs belonged to her. Nicknames belonged to her. Your heart belonged to her, and I think you tried to split it. I remember laying in your lap on that bridge and thinking “I hope he loves me one day”. You say you remember it differently. You said I told you I didn’t want to date again because I just didn’t want to do it, and you’re right… because I wanted you. I loved the idea of a future with you, of always being there one day when you got home. I would wait around Keller at the end, literally wishing you’d change your mind and want to see me, allowing myself to be the very bottom option… and I remember the day I cleaned up your house and saw the foil from the wine bottle after we broke up and I knew that it was her, with you saying you and her had just squashed everything, but knowing you were “aloof” in relationships…. and I ignored it. I could tell how you acted about her partner, I just ignored it. I desperately wanted you to be mine. The person I knew you to be would hate what I’ve done to myself, and you keep screenshots as a reminder to fuel your hate for me. I have been at war with myself for months, with bursts of energy where I’m able to make it seem like I’m okay when I’m not… but the secret of people that are on social media alot- they’re lonely and they have nothing else to do and nobody else to talk to. Were you telling me the whole time that you were the nice guy and you felt guilty for leaving me? I aided in self-sabotage, but not at first. I remember talking to my co-workers and asking “what do you think this means” and telling my mom how crazy I was about him, but also voicing my doubts about what I meant in his life. The person I knew you to be wouldn’t mean the things that you said that were so cruel, but you also wouldn’t be back with someone you voiced being so different from. I hate that I can’t tell you that you’re stupid without it looking like I’m only jealous. I’m jealous, but that’s not why I said that. I watched you grow into a person you were enjoying, and they didn’t know you liked tie-dye. Why would you go through all of that just to go back so soon, why would anyone? But… I have always believed that if you came back we could make it, so I guess I get it.

I fell apart. I broke and I shattered. I spent time trying to prove you wrong, then right, then wrong again. I spent time always thinking of what you’d think if I did anything, holding myself back at times and failing when I’d try to purge. I physically got sick when I saw you at foam, I passed your work on accident and saw your truck and almost passed out, I thought you were about to pass me on the highway and my whole body started shaking. I don’t know when that will stop. There’s no face to save because the person that was trying to save it doesn’t exist anymore. I started setting boundaries in my life, and I was able to see anyone that benefited from my lack of them. I’ve walked around as an empty shell for months, with a few moments breaking through the pain and reminding me I was capable of feeling joy. You see me as a girl that’s been living it up for months, with different guys and not giving a damn about you, when really I’ve been a girl that’s been trying to learn if her kindness is bad, if her love was too much, if she wasn’t good enough. A girl that shed the skin like a snake from a TS album, quicker than you would think and had you stopped to look you would have been able to see it. A girl that would have stayed home from forest had you asked. A girl that saw both tickets posted for sale and completely fine with it. A girl that cried herself to sleep when she saw all of the merch she had got you was for sale, making more money than I even bought it for… every thing. A girl that could never bring herself to get rid of everything, but one that can’t look at the picture from the bridge that you wrote on. A girl that has desperately wanted the person she loved the most to come back, knowing it wasn’t going to happen, and even if it did it hadn’t been long enough. A girl that beat herself senseless, a girl that has worked tirelessly and avoided seeking anything that was toxic to her previous self. One that shattered expectations and shed old coping habits so quickly just as much for herself as it was for you. One that fell completely, and when she got up and looked around, she was alone and remembered that nobody was coming to save her. So I stayed alone. I found myself. I stayed in my room as I navigated my way through a heartbreak. I moved to a temporary spot that is more than likely going to be permanent, paying rent on my own. Until last night, I stayed away from dates after learning I’d try to plan them with no intention of going on them, finally avoiding it all together and using the swipe motion as a hand movement. I have dug into any reason why I do anything to find the answer to avoid letting my past traumas to ever affect my life that way again. I have accepted that it was inferior I was afraid of feeling, learning that once I know someone has the power to hurt me, they became superior to me in my mind because that would just be used against me later, but with you I suffered silently for so long because I was in love with you, and I loved the potential I knew you had. The anger I feel toward you running so deep that it breaks my heart because there’s still love there, and each day you allow me to soak in the fact that I didn’t mean anything to you, with time making that pain worse. Then the anger at myself for being angry at you follows, and it’s a cycle I am escaping. I have to. I can’t keep writing about you, it opens wounds. So this is the last post you get. It has to be. You’re happy, you’re gone. I can believe that it would have, should have been me all day.. but it’s not and that’s because you don’t want that. You are gone because you want to be. If you wanted it to work, you would have made it work. I had to lose you to learn to love myself and the only thing for now that has been positive about you and I is that when I shattered, I had to put myself back together not understanding why, knowing I needed to change, and staying away from the things that hurt me more than helped me. I did that, not you. I was all in, you weren’t. You’ve influenced my life even after being gone and you’re back to your former life. I wish I could say that I’m happy for you, but right now I hope you suffer in mundane and settled misery, and I hope one day I don’t feel that way. There was one day I just wanted you to be happy, now I just want to forget you existed at all, because all of it’s pain. You allow the pain to grow every day, and that’s my example of a screenshot to remind myself to keep moving forward. I have to move forward knowing that I showed you the most raw version of me, and just because it wasn’t good enough for you does not mean it’s not good enough. It just isnt what you wanted.