tarynitup

Limbo mode is the most uncomfortable place.

People begging me to see it.

This morning, I woke up with a text from my friend saying this-

You didn’t lose the love of your life—you lost a parasite that was draining the life out of you. Narcissists aren’t soulmates; they are predators in disguise, and understanding this is crucial to your healing. The person you saw at the end of the relationship is who they truly are.

Their true nature was hidden behind a facade of charm, charisma, and manipulation. They lured you in with false promises, fake emotions, and a convincing act. But underneath it all, they were feeding off your emotional energy, chipping away at your self-worth, and eroding your sense of self.

What you experienced wasn’t love; it was a toxic cycle of abuse where each day felt like a battle for survival. Their gaslighting, emotional blackmail, and constant criticism weren’t signs of affection; they were tools of control and domination. Their infidelity, deceit, and lack of empathy weren’t mere mistakes; they were deliberate actions to exploit your vulnerabilities.

You didn’t lose a loved one—you escaped a toxic nightmare. You broke free from a cycle of abuse, and that takes incredible courage, strength, and resilience. Narcissists are incapable of genuine love; they only mimic it to get what they want.

To heal, you must accept the truth: you were not loved, you were used. You were a source of supply, a means to an end, and a pawn in their manipulative game. But now, you are free to rediscover yourself, embrace true love, and live a life filled with purpose, joy, and authenticity.

You deserve real love, genuine connection, and healthy relationships. You deserve to be seen, heard and understood. You deserve to be valued, respected, and cherished. Never settle for anything less. You are worthy of love, and it will find you when you least expect it.

I still am struggling to make myself understand that they didn’t really love me, and they never had any intention of being with me. They’d give me just what I needed when they felt me pull away, making sure I was still there. And they knew the damage it did in the beginning and continued to do it for another year in between their other relationships they hid and the love for their ex spouse they tried to lie about.

But I’m finally starting to feel like myself again. Therapy teaching me that its not wrong for me to not give someone the benefit of having me as a girlfriend without them doing the effort to actually making me their girlfriend. It’s not a job. I’m not an intern. Both people are the prize because you’re supposed to value each other. I gave someone my whole heart and they stretched it as far as it would go for 4 months because they never had any initiative to make us official and reassure me like they promised me they would in the beginning.

And after they said the shit they said this week, I finally feel like they could be standing in front of me and taking accountability for everything they did and asking for me back and I don’t think I’d still be there by the time they were done talking. When I have the thought “we can be friends”… there’s no going back for me. And I think I’m finally there.

They didn’t love me. They didn’t want me. But they couldn’t be alone, so they took advantage of the love I had for them.

It was easy to keep loving them when I looked at why I loved them, but I’ll do what they do and remind myself of the bad things they did and I’ll base my opinion off of that since that works so well for them. I’ll look at it with that perspective and it will be easy to never reach out again.

I hate them for ruining my hope in love. I hate them for pretending and wasting 2 years of my life and keeping me a secret. Telling me they had notes from me, bullshit- they sent them all back.

But the hate lingers for a second, then I go numb. Indifference to someone’s existence is the place I beg to never get to.

They were confused on what they wanted and they made me confused on what I was worth.

Locking me out in the cold and checking on me right before I froze to death, like “are you still there?” And then getting mad at me when I gave up and left the door that was continuously slammed in my face.

They loved how much I loved them, and the moment I saw their actual vulnerability and didn’t know how to respond because I had never seen it before- they ran.

Torn apart on a Tuesday.