tarynitup

Glazed blueberry cake donut. Snickerdoodle. Short or long adventure. Funny noises. Bath time. Rock waterfall. Ooh girl. One man band. Hammocks. Sandboxes. Sending songs all day. Nose scrunches. Laughs and “you’re a happy girl aren’t you”. Donuts. Cupcakes. Airports. Flowers. Laundry stains. Boogers. Teaching how electricity works. How to spit up something. random feet tattoos. 5 pair of black jeans. Comedy shows. Singing snaps. Trauma talks. Outer banks. Daiquiris. Kneeboarding. Sunsets. Sunrises. Brunch. Mimosa flights. Margarita flights. Colorado flights. Cuddle cocoon. Different music. Necklaces. Bracelets. Polaroids. Parachute pants. Light up glasses. Loving singing when someone was sick. Grilled cheese. Waking someone up. Reading minds. Feeling something apart. Clarity. Seeing through the toxic fog with one person.

It’s all still there, crushing me because all of the hate you, regret you, how many times do I have to tell you I don’t want you… it just drowns out any good memory. I never wanted to think the person I loved was cruel, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to think of them without body and mind numbing pain, so I have to not think of them at all. Not now. I am a fool for not seeing it. Saturday crushed me from every angle possible and I always still had some kind of hope in the back of my mind. So many signs that pointed to them, even Saturday. But it’s all one sided. I didn’t do him a favor by staying.

You can’t lose something that was never yours. I never imagined the “if you love something set it free” quote would apply to my story, just not with me.

Today, for a few hours, I forgot about their existence, and the indifferent feeling was like air in my lungs. There is so much hate in my heart from the accusations that are ridiculous, all of the hate that was just hidden behind fake wishes I was someone else, and I’m most mad at myself. I ignored everyone, and myself. I gladly gave him the upper hand, until he knew I was hurting and was distant and fine with it. I wish I could say I hope him be a better partner for her, but the anger and pain and regret in my heart block me from that. I have to move on without an apology from someone who isn’t sorry, who regrets the last year, who hates me but who hurt me deeply, and not listening to my apology for how i truly hurt them. I have tried to Medicare myself to death, i have tried to medicate myself to make it through the day, I have best myself to a mental mush ball over my mistakes… not remembering that it didn’t matter, he was gone already. I was memorizing the shape of his face, the curve of his back, the way he walked. I think he stopped seeing me a long time ago. I’ll never know, he doesn’t care, and I don’t think I could ever talk to him again to find out. Not now, after seeing him back home.

My friend told me “your smile lights up a room, but don’t think I can’t see the pain in your eyes. You’re ripping yourself apart inside, wondering why you’re here and if you deserve to be happy” and I’ve been fucked up ever since. I really thought they loved me. I dug deep to find causes of things I had done, hoping one day to make it right. They just weren’t mine.