tarynitup

I can’t take back the mistakes I made. I would if I could… but the lessons I learned needed to be learned or i would have never been able to be the person I am now. I wouldn’t have been able to open to and get to know myself in a way I never had. I wouldn’t have learned about a love I never knew about, and I wouldn’t have had courage to have hard conversations with myself if I wasn’t driven by my pain from losing you. I told myself I’d let you go back then if you tried to leave… that doesn’t mean I wanted you to go.

I can’t take back the words I’ve said or the things I’ve done. I won’t justify any of it, what was wrong was wrong. I wasn’t justified to ever hurt you, no matter how bad I was hurting.

I get upset that you don’t see how bad things got, but I realized you see the image I projected into the world, trying to act more okay than I was. I didn’t stop moving to let the pain soak in because it was so fucking much. I remember being shocked at the river that I had the ability to even make you jealous, and I really was just offering someone next to me water, I didn’t mean for it to come across like it did.

We found out we had a problem with communication, but we only tried to fix one area of the problem. The difference was how committed we were to the relationship. There was nothing I wouldn’t have worked through, it’s why I believed what I asked you, because I wanted it to be the truth. I didn’t want to think that I let myself love someone that would do things they knew would hurt me but thought I deserved it. Nobody has beat me up more than I’ve beat myself up, I can promise you that. I had to stop doing things that i beat myself up for, because i have always been harder on myself than everyone else.

Maybe I didn’t love you good enough, or hard enough, or blindly enough… that possibility was never an option for me and I fought like hell to show you how much I did love you. I was committed enough. I would have never left. I would have never let myself go to that festival if we didn’t have that blow out. I reacted poorly to you breaking up with me. I would have continued to try and talk to you, but it got to the point that i thought you’d be happier if I let you walk out of my life, but I just couldn’t let you go… and I still could never leave.

One day maybe I won’t be confused. Maybe I won’t cry every day. Maybe I won’t be angry. I’m really sorry that I can’t make that day be today.

If there was ever anything you needed though, anger would be set aside and I’d be there, like I’ve always wanted to be. I just can’t imagine accepting things to be like they are, but I could never change them by myself, and I don’t know what else to do. I’ve always ended up following your lead, but I can’t follow someone that didn’t want to be followed…

I tried. I loved you with every ounce of myself. I cared about your feelings too much at the end of the day and it made it hard for me to tell you things I had done to hurt you out of thinking you were gone or when I doubted how you felt. It was never to make myself look better, I wasn’t proud because it hurt you when I didn’t think I could affect you at all. I ran away to lick my wounds and I didn’t want you to see how deep they were. I was always different around you and I loved how I was and how you allowed me to feel like I was meant to. I was more than satisfied, I was in love with you, I never saw life without you. I didn’t do very well at knowing how to fully show it, and I’m sorry.

We don’t see always see potential, we see what we would have done in that situation and there’s no way for the other person to know. If you wanted to see things differently, you would have. If you actually gave me a chance, even using just Wakaan as a starting point, you would have seen things weren’t what you were telling yourself. I gave you the hardest truth and you punished me for not telling you sooner.. I never had an actual chance to make it work. I know how much you being back with her made sense, and it was harder to believe you than it was to argue my brain on what made sense, but I didn’t want it to be true. I didn’t want you to be lying, even though so much made sense. Getting called the wrong name does something to you, I don’t know how else to get that through to you. If you wanted to see things differently, you would. You’d stop asking me questions you expect me to not answer. You punish me for not talking and you punish me for answering your questions. I can’t win against someone that put the loss in the books already. I’ll never understand why you ever came back when you knew you would never forgive me. That’s what I don’t understand, that’s where the feeling of unwanted and unloved creep in… and then add how you refer to me to other people..