tarynitup

Every year… my dislike for the holiday season grows.

This year has been no exception.

Maybe I want to like the holidays. Maybe I’m just tired of feeling let down. Maybe I feel financially inadequate every year. Maybe I’m tired of not having matching PJs with someone. Maybe maybe maybe.

I know that I’ve refused to do any Christmas activity this year. I have not shopped. I have not had any happiness in my heart.

Another year you wanted Christmas with them. Another year you don’t get it.

It’s so fucking gross when they do this. They stir up shit with absolutely no intention of talking about it, and I’m left to figure out why, and the only reason I can think of is to justify whatever they’re about to do and ignore how it would hurt someone because of what they just told me.

I’m done letting them get me so worked up. I’m giving it to them at this point, I’m so desperate for them to understand anything and to cherish anything… but just like she did in therapy- I’m not talking to someone so who wants me to be right, just like I didn’t want him to be wrong.

I’m on my last lifeline. Working in the morning and at night to make up for how I let myself be so affected. It’s been a week since anything has helped me stay awake besides caffeine and adhd medicine, 5 days since anything besides thc. I miss bars so bad sometimes… but it’s a temporary fix for longer regret. Same reason dates just won’t work for me right now, and I realized how much it wasn’t for me when I agreed to sit down at lunch and explain to someone that they didn’t do anything wrong.. and I realized how fucking fragile we all are. Did I have to go? No. I also could have acted better and I shouldn’t know them at all… but they definitely shouldn’t have sat there and wondered if it was their fault, it is 100% mine. It was one of the most uncomfortable conversations I’ve had with someone I barely knew. I would have never thought that conversation needed to happen, but they’re trying to learn and navigate through their own stuff… and maybe those conversations are important. I know I felt stupid that I still pull away from anything with another person, and I decided on the way home that I wasn’t doing another date with anyone for a while, I wasn’t going to risk someone else when I know I’m not ready for even a casual relationship with anyone… and that’s okay. My ex can lose himself in whatever activity he wants. Today is the last day I’ll let myself be aware of it.

I have to stop worrying about what they’re doing. They’re not thinking about me. They’ve ripped apart anything I gave them that was special. Waking up to excel sheets wasn’t how I expected to start my day, and everything I say falls on deaf ears. I’m over them trying to confuse me with shit. The biggest mistake I’ve ever made was when I tried to agree to what they thought about 2 people. Even when I did, they constantly expected more.

Fuck that. I’m admitting to shit I didn’t even do and you “don’t think that’s all?” Go kick fucking rocks. I struggle enough with the shit they “don’t think is that bad”. That tells me more about their morals than mine.

The only thing they’re interested in is ripping me apart and taking away things I held close to me and thought was special. That’s what they’re showing me now. I’m sorry I don’t really give a shit how you used to feel and I’m looking at… AT LEAST… the current calendar year on how we treated each other.

I’ve never felt so defeated in my life.

I hate the holidays.