tarynitup

I wanted to not be so resentful and angry.

For a few minutes, I had peace. I was hungry. I smiled with the girls. All I wanted was to feel peace when it came to all of this.

As a video of me singing was sending, it was gone.

They don’t get it. They’ll never get it.

Because they don’t seem to want to.

This time, I recorded the heavy breakdown, for no one but me to see how the pain took over so fucking quickly.

Since I’ve been working non fucking stop and haven’t slept yet- my brain and heart are too tired to try and erase it today.

But any feeling of me ever meaning anything to them..

Misplaced. & I desperately want to find it.

For the first time ever, someone told me “he loves you!” and I told her she was wrong.

Told the 2 “mutual” people we have in our lives I wanted to hear nothing about him, ever. Because as much as I love him, he can’t exist and be gone.

I remember trying to tell him the truth and never being able to get through it without him freaking out and ending the conversation, or leaving me in an airport bar when I was trying to talk to him in the car. He thinks I never tried but refuses to take accountability for his lack of emotional control. If I had responded to him telling me he lied about that meeting and that girl like he responded to anything I told him, he’d NEVER tell me anything again. Still, he doesn’t see how that hurt me.

He doesn’t think I speak good about him or our relationship … but anyone could go back and read my blog posts in order and see where I talked so highly of him, and you can see it slowly fade in my posts. Not because I felt differently… but because we set the good aside and only focused on the bad. He gave me amazing times and took them all back, even Wakaan. If you want someone to speak about you in a good light, treat them in a good light. Maybe give a damn about their problems.

They took pain that didn’t belong to them and used it to justify adding to it. “You’ll find him, be patient.” That’s like saying “right person, wrong life”. Just say you don’t want to be with me and stop trying to soften the blow.

I’m done begging for love scraps when they have no one else. I tried to get them to see me and I showed them how much I cared. They are fine with me thinking what I think, saying “gaslight yourself”.

I waved a white flag with an olive branch attached today & they ignored it.

This is a new pain. A new feeling of anger. A new level of resentment. Someone saying “I’m blind!” But their eyes are just closed. If they read posts to see where I spoke highly of them and low of myself instead of only reading them when they think they can use something in them against me… you know what, I don’t care. I’m the one that went through the misery of my self reflection and huge amounts of growth, cried myself to sleep, cried my voice out, missed meals… they were more comfortable making themselves not feel anything at all, but we all cope somehow.

They’ll feel it.

Or… maybe they won’t. who knows.

This time is on me for being excited that they might show interest in my actual life.

This is me holding on
This is me hurting
This is me letting go
And this is me walking

I’ve come to realize
You don’t know me
It’s written there in your eyes
You don’t know me

How come you don’t know me by now
You’re saying too much – Don’t
Do you care enough to find out
Or will it stay the same