tarynitup

Now, there’s just resentment. A feeling I didn’t want to feel. True anger to my core. Not even anger Aj could reason with.

You realize how much people know you put them on a pedestal when you lower it over the course of “fuck you, I hate you, bitch, slut…” being a constant term over the last few months. Fights that we both said the worst things to each other. Certain phrases though… they lowered that pedestal a bit each time… to where the energy required to keep up with a mask became nonexistent, because I was now eye level with them, no longer having them on a pedestal they didn’t want and didn’t know what to do with, no reason to lie to gain keeping them because… what was I keeping? Maybe with the truth, they’d come back… but they have no interest in the truth, just being agreed with. Never challenging their thoughts. Just because we think something doesn’t make it true.

Screaming out a brutal truth and leaving on that blurt out was not ideal. They didn’t receive it well, and they don’t care about the “why” of how it happened because in the end, both people are responsible in some way for where things end up. One will hold a significantly bigger or lower amount of responsibility for causing the problem, but at the end- both caused pain that led them to where they were. Asking someone to take accountability isn’t because you want to shift the blame off of ourselves. Sometimes, we just want the other person to see the pain they caused, because seeing the pain I caused made me look at everything so much clearly, people just want to be heard.

Once I took my thoughts out of a situation, and truly put myself in peoples shoes, that’s where I learned the most. That’s when I realized the significance of their timeline they wrote out. Putting myself in that bed in my brain, I was able to see where the inner child’s need to be validated comes out and clashes with the sudden weight of emotion being viewed as a weakness, and I understood so much about that person and that they should have been allowed to hurt. I also see where the back and forth came into play. Just like I was when I put myself back in my shoes, remembering that it was me those memories happened to.

This year will always be the most painful but learning year of my life to date. I took the opportunity to learn who I was alone after I found myself single, away from a relationship I never wanted to be out of. I took that loneliness and turned it into learning. Learning me, who I was, who I wanted to be, what I did and didn’t like about myself, realizing where my modesty came from and accepting myself as the reasons my past boyfriends cheated, understanding I didn’t give them what they needed, also never checking in emotionally. “It’s like dating a roommate” being painfully… true. It doesn’t make it right, but when someone is telling you they need something from you and you don’t care because you don’t know why you don’t really enjoy the physical part as much as others, or why you just can’t make yourself give in emotionally… with them still loving you and waiting for you to show up, did it hurt? Yes. Do i understand and take responsibility for where my actions, neglect, and indifference played a part? Also yes. I had a immature view about sex, knowing it was an important part of relationships as you grow up, but just never… really enjoying it like everyone else seemed to. People talking about it makes me feel cringey because it feels like when you hear your parents or something talk about sex. It’s like, “ew” but now I know, with the right person, it isn’t like that. That person opened my way of thinking and appreciated me in a way nobody had, and in doing that, got all the parts of me i protected as weapons to be used against me later. I gave them all to them and they saw sticks and stones but they were holding military grade weapons and a paper mache heart. Also forgetting I grew up in a town where we were like 2 years behind any popular ANYthing lol. That has such a part to play in my rose colored glasses view of the world.

I’m reading a book called Unfuck Yourself. I’m so behind on bills because I haven’t been able to focus. Told my love wasn’t good enough and it flipped a switch. I have about 2 pieces of my heart left.

My blog is for me to process the emotions I feel and to say the things I’ve felt were ignored or silenced.

My navigation through my trauma is my story to tell, not anyone else’s to assume. No trauma is the same, people go more than 2 ways after, there are many different ways of healing.

Get the fuck out of my way if you have no interest in understanding or listening to the truth. If you’d rather have a shitty opinion of me than listen to what makes me as a person to where it makes sense and your narrative doesn’t, go ahead.

“There’s so much to talk about at this point” isn’t as much as they think because if they knew how much DIDNT happen, they’d feel like an idiot. Again, I know the truth as I was the one that was there, I’ve healed because of it, I’ve tried to help them but their stories are more important than saying “oh, I was wrong here”. I’m more than willing to say where I was wrong. Just not where I wasn’t.

I shaped who I am because of what I’ve been through. I lowered that pedestal when they didn’t think it was special to be on it. It’s a brutal truth, but nobody to me is worth the energy it takes to keep up a web of lies anymore, never again. It caused me to put them above myself, making myself forget who I was but coming out to be a better person than I could have imagined being. Keeping someone with lies isn’t worth it. I don’t want something that’s not mine.

You’re not worth me purposely hurting myself anymore, or hurting you. Lying isn’t worth it. Keeping up a “mask” is too exhausting when my life is in shambles. You’re not worth it to lie to. Nobody is. Once everyone’s gone, it’s just me and either truth or lies.

Truth is much better company.