tarynitup

I can’t shake it today. All day, I’ve fought back tears.

Fought back memories

Emotions

Pushing away thoughts of the great weekend they had.

Pushing away thoughts of wondering if they even ever think of me at all or if the only reason is out of relief I’m out of their life.

Nothing about it seems real. It hurts too bad to think it was. I finally had to stop hurting myself and I got rid of all of the pictures and videos… then opened google photos and realized – no I didn’t.

Why wouldn’t they let themselves see I am telling them the truth when I talk about it. I got out of having to see someone so much and it was helped by the fact that they smelled so bad of cigarettes when I was around once that it put me in panic attacks, which I’d then take medicine for and be able to leave quickly because I was tired and I got mean on those pills. I wish they’d see that I’m different than most people, my lines and boundaries are different and things are a big deal to me that aren’t to others. I fought so hard to make sure I didn’t cross the line I thought would be unforgivable and I just didn’t allow myself to stop and see the destruction I was causing. The farther I backed off, the more sporadic the help became because they knew what I was doing. Only two payments were made on my car and I didn’t find out until I was about to lose it last May. I’m just now one more big payment off from being completely caught up. It did not go as smoothly as they think. I was flaky, I used my kids as an excuse on why I was never available, and since his goal was wanting to be a provider so incredibly bad because of his own childhood, he didn’t question it. I’m not proud of it, but i lied more to him than I did to my partner. Yet another reason I was so determined to stop lying about anything, ever.

I just can’t shake the feeling that it’s still them. I go to text them and I stop myself because I need them to reach out to me first, and I don’t think that would happen. If it did, it would just be to tell me what i already know, which is that they’re hanging out/seeing someone already. I feel like I meant nothing, and that’s what stops me from reaching out. But I want to. Last year, things happened the night before that festival but they had been so strict with the title of us, it was never brought up, and when it wasn’t.. I just felt like all they’d want from me is what they got. I was bursting at the seams to tell them, but some days I wish I had just taken my phone and ran instead of thinking we could make it through it. I wanted to be honest, so I stayed and fought against my fear as hard as I could. Did I do it perfectly? No. But I tried.

I have days where I’m okay, but the days that I’m not… it’s like I’m not even a person.