tarynitup

All of the words we’ve said to each other have blended together, even for them. They want me to know the good things they meant and not the bad things, but they hang on to the bad things I’ve said or the things I’ve said that I probably worded a little confusing (not intentional) and all of the good things I’ve said have gotten lost. I’ve listened to how I wasn’t physically happy or how I fell out of love…

Aren’t those my feelings to feel? Shouldn’t I have a solid chance to say that, if it’s how I felt?

I used to get over whelmed with tears… and it would just take over. Now… they choke me, and I squeeze the top of my nose and my heart and brain just… can’t take it, and I’m able to push him out of my thoughts completely. I do this about… 500 times a day, but I used to not be able to get him out of my head at all… and I hate that I have to do it.

The way I felt about our…. time together, was so much different than anyone ever in the past. I remember my ex I was friends with told me that it was shocking I had posted ANYthing about him on my social media… and I had forgotten how I barely added anyone prior to him… and I wanted C all over my social media.

Listening to someone tell you that they did everything because of things you did… it just does something to the way you see them. Sure, they could find things I’ve said that could fit that- but I’ve also sent long apologies without justifying. My point the whole time was that I was hurting over XYZ…and me being hurt caused me to feel insecure and alone. The reaction that followed that wasn’t on him. That’s like telling someone something honest but painful and they get angry at YOU and lash out at you. The initial act hurt, yes, but the reaction could have been different.

I have never gotten to tell him my side of it, from beginning to end. One night, I was able to tell him about the pain I felt, but I’ve never gotten to tell him the other things that stick out and bug the shit out of me because they’re unsaid.

They’ll just stay unsaid.

I get so angry at him because he has helped make this so much more messy than it should have been, and maybe it was on purpose. I don’t think I remember a time he was ever happy… he always seemed like he was trying to seem happy… but if I didn’t make him happy when he thought I was the most perfect he’d think I was.. what makes me think he’d be happy with knowing how I’m a work in progress? People have tried to get me to understand that nothing I say will matter, and he’s told me I’m not changing his mind… and I still keep showing up because I believe the truth sets things free.

Some people just aren’t searching for the truth. They’re wanting an answer that just makes sense. Never to challenge their own way of thinking or the way they’d do things. They don’t have the same trauma… how could they know? How could they truly empathize without having the same pain?

So tomorrow, I’m starting the process of changing my number. I’m only going to out-of-state music shows/festivals, and I’m going to start traveling alone again. I’m so tired of hearing how I’m hanging out with guys or talking to guys. We never defined what “talking” and “in contact” were… because apparently to him, they’re different…

I handed him my heart and my word to be exclusive, he had just told me he knew I would be if we got back together… and told me he knew I just wanted to be good to him… doesn’t he see that involved telling the truth about anything, once and for all? I had already told the truth, I just kept changing it to make it easier for him to believe…. but he doesn’t get that when I did that, I made it fucking worse on ME, not on him. He thinks I was trying to save face? I literally admitted to things I didn’t do… and he said “thank you” and I just wanted to help him heal. What image do I have to save once I do that?

None.

I did the best I could with what I had and with what I knew and the amount of strength I had at the time. The last few months, I really did the best I could, especially with the words that were being thrown at me. I said mean and terrible things too, and I regret all of them, and I wish I hadn’t defended myself that way.

I was just a tag-along. Someone to plan a trip when the real fun was being had. Someone on the edge of the line of sight so they could be quickly blocked or wiped out by one move. Exclusivity expected but not wanting to be given but me being expected to be unaffected by this. Distraction and someone that thought they were absolutely perfect, even though they didn’t do everything right. Always tried to correct them with love but I failed once I got angry. I tried to be there for them, but it is hard when they focus so much on details and invented the term of beating a dead horse. The question you struggled to answer in the bathroom starting to present itself but you know by now this is not the time you can talk about it.

And you have to accept that the one person in the world you loved the most, would have done anything for, would have worked as hard as you needed to, the one person you wanted to show the real you to…

is 100% fine with you out of their life. 100% fine having that low of an opinion of you where they think you could be capable of all of those things AND still love them.

You have to accept that one person doesn’t want you, and will never be the one to come back to fight for you, and you’ll always be the one expected to change your triggers, but never them changing what might trigger you.