tarynitup

I’ll never forget that night.

I’ll never figure out how someone could know me so well about some things but be so completely wrong about other things that are just as important…usually based off of an assumption or a previous person.

I ignored so many signs along the way, and that’s where the accountability is mine to take.

We can think we know someone better than they know themselves, and sometimes.. it’s possible. But- we never truly will understand how someone else’s brain and thought processes really work. We can pick up patterns, we can remember things, but even after years of being with someone… we just will never fully comprehend how anyone else thinks besides us. We can understand it, but you can’t comprehend something so in depth and intricate.

I used to cry, wondering why they had to know me so well… but now I realize they didn’t know me at all. Not really. They knew as much as they wanted to, and what they didn’t know- they filled in the blanks.

I’ll never forget the night I dressed up in a flowy blue dress to go to dinner, just to have a panic attack before they got home and needing to admit to the the secret I had been keeping.

The worst thing I had ever done.

Also, the last time I had ever done that DUE to it being the worst thing I had ever done, and the amount of weight it had been putting on me.

I admitted my darkest secret to the person I loved more than anything…

and because it wasn’t “so terribly bad” to THEM- how much it crushed my soul and the pain I was trying to show them became irrelevant.

I admitted my darkest secret to them, like they wanted…

And that was the day I learned that they didn’t care about that.

They only wanted me to admit to what they thought. They thought what I had done was so much worse than that, so my news?

Pfft. News? What news?

The news that ruined my life. The news that made me walk around feeling ashamed of myself because of something I did when I was single but the other person wasn’t and the benefits I gained from it. The news that made me take scalding hot showers for weeks after the last time it happened, and the news that was one of the main factors nothing like that ever happened again.

Because they would have or could have done worse… that must mean I could have too.

When someone tells you that your pure truth doesn’t make sense, the normal reaction should be to walk away.

Not me. Not with them.

My brain has been working on overtime since I was like, 6. The way I think, the roads my thoughts go down, the reasoning behind things…

All I did was try to explain it. And I over-explained, because well… how do you give someone the cliff note version of how your brain works after trauma and anxiety and extreme adhd that feeds off of your anxiety?

You can’t. You can’t explain your thought process when you overthink to anyone and expect them to fully understand.

The truth is, and always will be… the fucking truth.

I gave up on dating and I cared to further finances. I met someone I kind of liked and then I broke it off with them once I decided to go on a trip with someone I suddenly loved. I loved them and gave them everything I had to give with the space they allowed me to have in their life and they didn’t have to do anything for it. They told me they loved me but they weren’t ready to make me their girlfriend… and after 3 months- ok, but 3…4…? After therapy and talking about it with healthy female friends, I see now how much damage that caused me and how much pain I was in. They told me one time they weren’t currently talking to anyone else besides me, but they said it once. They told me they weren’t ready to make me their girlfriend more than once… a week. In ANY persons head, that will absolutely tell them “we are not exclusive”.

Saying I love you and being together for a few months- I was used to the discussion of future plans being brought up, especially living situations. I kept feeling like they were almost with me, just working out things with their family.

Being told I needed to be seen as their friend before their girlfriend was so valid and understandable.

But I will NEVER forget how much my heart broke when they let it slip that they weren’t planning on telling their daughter for a while after being told that I just needed to be around as a friend first for so long.

The day she asked me if I had fun with her dad and I realized… I couldn’t answer her. I wanted to marry her dad, teach her girl things and I wanted to play dinosaurs with her brother… and I was nothing more than an acquaintance in her eyes. Sneaking in and out so I was never seen…

I should have seen he wanted back in his marriage then.

I should have had more self respect and love for myself and i should have left. That hurt my heart more than I think anything did.

I was so unsure if I wanted to walk away, because once I did, I was gone. I thought maybe if they saw I wanted to marry them because I loved them and not for financial reasons like they now viewed marriage- maybe they’d finally be IN the relationship. Maybe if I was less anxious about money. Maybe if I bought them more things. I knew it was getting bad when I took out a payday loan. I’d just get a new bank account before the first payment came out, take the hit on my credit. I didn’t care, whatever to make them happy.. or maybe it was to stand out to them.

I got in a fight with my old roommate and it was made clear we were not living together again and panic set in.

You see, for me- failure wasn’t running home to my parents.

Failure was running home to the almost marriage I walked away from.

And I was NOT going back there. I was NOT going back to sunset.

I just needed advice. I didn’t want him to fix my problems. I just needed the person that said they loved me more than anyone’s ever loved to notice how stressed I was. Chunks of my hair started to fall out, I quit eating. I was told money was off limits to talk about, I didn’t know where to turn.

So I tried to make sure I’d be okay because I felt like I was on my own…

And I was.

I only could comprehend cheating as physical because I had only been cheated on physically. You don’t change a belief system just by hearing one persons opinion. Now, I know it’s much more than just physical.

But I also know that I hated being around them because they smoked cigarettes, and the 2 or 3 times we kissed (closed mouth, I might add)- it sent me into a panic attack because 1) I didn’t like them 2) cigarettes reminded me of so much trauma and 3) I wanted to rewind time and never do the birthday trip to Denver where I set myself so far behind so I wouldn’t have met who I did. I can’t remember what his face looks like, but I remember the kind of cigarettes he smoked and the color of his lighter the first time I saw them.

Whatever they want to tell themselves- I don’t care anymore.

It doesn’t change the fact that I ended things with the person before them once I met them, it doesn’t change the fact that I met someone off of a site that didn’t use it for all of those reasons (BEFORE my relationship) and recognized things we had been through and they turned into a friend that never touched me more than a side hug and fist bumps after I bought weed. It doesn’t change the fact that I truly never stayed the night, slept with, or let someone I viewed as a boss see me even half naked. And it doesn’t change the fact that I was tired of holding onto anger for an ex and when we squashed all of the bull-shit, they became one of the only friends I had for a while because they were truly sorry for how they were to me. It doesn’t change the fact that out of the 4 people they can’t “get over”, the only one where anything happened lived out of state and nothing happened again until after I was broken up with.

It doesn’t change the fact that I reacted too quickly and tried to not feel the pain of the breakup. All 109273299 of them.

And I’ve finally found indifference after the last low blow comment I’ll ever let affect me (from them).

It honestly makes me laugh and then want to cry – the fact that Minnesota is the only one where anything “romantic” happened besides the couple of kisses I couldn’t find my way out of with my biggest messy situation, because even then- nothing happened until after they said they didn’t want to be with me anymore. After the beginning and the title being such a big deal- they knew breaking up with me would require getting back together with me. I laugh now when I used to cry over being upset they didn’t believe me about how the Snapchat conversations were and how flirty they were NOT.

I laugh because I know the truth, and one thing about me- I’ll always make sure I can live with my choices. After the one time I actually did the grossest thing I’ve ever done, I promised myself I’d never do it again and I kept my promise to myself. And I’ve continued to keep that promise since after June of 2022.

They say they’ll never get over XYZ, and it’s a shame… because they’re “under” a narrative that isn’t true…

If what I consider repulsive and the worst thing I’ve ever done didn’t make them flinch or blink- I don’t even want to know the weird or gross shit they’ve done. Being so incredibly selfish and prideful that they’re willing to sit back and watch their dad’s hard ass work crumble to the ground, knowing they may have had a part to play in it, and stay quiet out of how it would make them look was the most disgusting and unattractive thing I’ve ever seen… and if they’ll do that to their FATHER, what would they do to me to save their ego? Don’t they see that they would have looked so much better for coming clean, even when it’s hard?

I could have tried to make myself look “better”… I didn’t have to tell them all of the details about who it was when they read my phone. I did it because I genuinely didn’t want to lie to them, and I didn’t do anything with the other person to be ashamed to tell.

I could have just looked like an unhappy girlfriend that found someone else and ran the fuck out and never looked back…

But I told the truth, knowing I looked worse and knowing how selfish and greedy I looked.

But the one thing they’ll never understand- financial struggle. TRUE financial crisis. No family to run to. No house to re-finance. The $15 in your bank account being literally the only money you have ANYwhere, with 2 kids that are growing faster than you are while you’re losing weight and can’t even give your oldest child your old clothes. They say they know how hard it is for a single mom… when their mother and their ex wife were both supported by the ex husband after divorce. They paid their ex wife more than I made in a month at my old job in child support, and I didn’t get child support for my girls. Their ex (not ex anymore) wife STILL wanted more. She couldn’t afford an XBOX for their kids for Christmas and he bought it and let it be for her.

My ex laughed at my suggestion to have presents be from both of us when I was broke.

They had no idea how hard it was to be a single mom.

They have no idea how life is without a financial cushion. They bought their kids new clothes just to avoid doing laundry, and I was getting my kids clothes at thrift stores and he’s ripping off tags to dress them.

All of that is fine…

But don’t tell me you know how hard it is to be a single mom when you don’t even know how hard it is to pay your own bills with a job you got on your own with a salary you actually deserve.

So yes, I now sit back and I soak in the fact that I did not do 90% of what they think I’ve done… TRULY knowing that just because they choose to believe the story in their head doesn’t mean I’m not telling the truth.

When you tell someone “you can come over but only if your story isn’t the same” and that person knows they didn’t do what you think they did and just wants you back… you really don’t see what you’re setting them up to do?

Them contradicting themselves AGAIN the other day- I remember praying and thanking God because I finally was pushed into indifference. You are not going to break up with me every week, hold me accountable for things I did after you broke up with me but then dodge accountability for what you did when you can’t control your mouth and you break up with someone the first sign of trouble EVERY time. You are not going to gaslight me and make me think I am the problem anymore when you admitted to me that you haven’t “lived life and picked up someone from a bar and brought them home and you’re scared to commit until you do the things you want to do.”

I stopped being the problem so long ago, and they have me FUCKED up if they think I’ll let my mistakes be the scapegoat for their issues.

But now, what I admitted to them about doing isn’t the worst thing I’ve ever done anymore.

Now, it’s that I lost myself loving someone who was really good at making me think they loved me until it was time to actually do the work any relationship takes.

A name is important… they let me know who they wanted 4 times and I just didn’t listen.

THAT, my friend, is the worst.