tarynitup

When you get out of something, you start to see it for what it truly was.

Doing a FaceTime call with my friend in Denver, she said “we’re in healthcare, we will always see the good in people first” and it clicked, she was right. By nature, I look for the good and I try to understand the bad.

Looking back… what did I lose? It was like waiting for a bus that was never coming. Dating them was the loneliest feeling I had ever felt but it was mixed with the GREATEST moments of this amazing and beautiful love… but they were moments of good in a world of gray.

They didn’t make me do anything I did, but they did cause me to feel unsafe and insecure in the relationship. That part was on them. How I handled the trigger was on me.. but I’ve ignored the trigger and been beaten with how I handled it for long enough. I can’t ignore that I was reacting to something.

Death by a thousand cuts.

The things I did to them are awful and I hate them, but I stopped them. I learned. I was remorseful. I put my feelings to the side and worked on the hard shit that was hurting the person I loved.

You cannot do it alone.

It’s like playing basketball with someone and you keep throwing them the ball and they dribble and drop it and just don’t want to shoot. I can’t be a team wit someone that’s indifferent about winning with me.

When you’re in the desert and you’re about to die from dehydration, acid rain looks pretty damn good.

I knew they were capable of showing up for me. Loving me. Making me feel safe and seen. I knew they were capable of being so great that I ignored that they continue to choose to be… not so great.

They have racked up a way higher tally on attacks at this point, and it’s on me for letting it get that high. If someone values you, they’ll do the work it takes to keep you. Period. Point fucking blank. I know because I used to leave everyone in my life until him because I was never in love before. I was selfish and it hurt me that I hurt people so I couldn’t face it. But it’s not about me all of the time, but sometimes it is.

The first year, we were both distant and lost. The last year, I’ve been chasing an imaginary dream. Glimpses of what they could be.

In the end, what I lost was someone that enjoyed seeing me hurt so much that they would go out of their way to do so. Someone that broke up with me and then ignored that they did that and only looked at how I reacted to them breaking my heart and trying to justify it like I knew they weren’t done. (That’s hella not normal and nobody’s going to think you’re coming back) Someone that kept doing things they said they wouldn’t, and rarely did the things they said they would. Someone that thought any conversation was an attack if they had any accountability to take at all. Someone that thought the only value I could bring was sexual. Someone that ignores EVERY good thing in doing to look only at the bad I did. Someone that talks shit about a community but is all up in it to shove it in my face. I lost someone that chose not to show up for me. I had started to see that a year ago and I started to give up on them and they did what they do best- breadcrumbs. Cali vibes was a breadcrumb. Freaky was a breadcrumb. Wakaan. All of it.

It was literally like waiting in my hogwarts letter. I fucking WISH it was coming, but it’s just not possible.