tarynitup

I don’t think anyone’s ready to start life over at level -30. Even if you prepare a little bit… you have no idea the life that you’re about to have. How could you know though…

The end of 2020 seems like such a blur that i truly forget sometimes that it happened. I get so down on myself for being where im at… but I forget what i made it through to be HERE, and it humbles me when i think about it.

I was so tired of living in tension. Every way i turned, I was doing something wrong. Never sure what version of them I’d be getting… until it just never changed from the person they turned into. I changed too, i had become a dark version of myself. I hated everything. I hated him. I was trying to be a good mom… but where I had been suffering in silence started to become anger. I remember holding a towel to my head the night i busted it open, going into addys room to tell her i had to leave and come back, hoping she didn’t notice the washcloth I was holding in the glow of her nightlight. And i drove myself to the ER. I knew the questions we ask. I knew the conversations that go on at the nurses station. I knew all the things on the other side of it. How many people did i borderline interrogate, getting annoyed at the end and giving up? How many of them had just figured out what to say as I’m poking holes in the story? I wanted to say something. I wanted to tell them how nobody really touched me, I fell backwards over the couch and the table behind the couch that I had been asking to be moved for weeks. I wanted to tell them how I just didn’t want my arm feeling like it was about to get squeezed so hard it was going to pop and how I just jerked it away too fast, causing myself to fall backwards. I remember sitting in the waiting room, blood all down the front of my shirt, and a couple walked in and said “we’re gonna be here a long time if SHES still out here”. You can prepare yourself for a situation all you want, but until you’re in it, you never know how you’ll react to it. Before I knew it, i was in a fast track bed and i had told them I fell backwards over the couch, but i couldn’t tell them anything else. I also was having trouble forming sentences and i had never had that before.

Head laceration handled, concussion and swelling talked about, i was going home. “Maybe he won’t say anything…” being a laughable thought. Silly girl, didn’t you know you were in a war? It stops for nothing.

My inability to back down came from a deep rooted pride… and unfortunately it would take a few more fights with people to see i was part of the problem. After a week or so of hiding out at my grandparents and staying at work, someone at work looked at me and she said “Taryn… i know.” That was all it took. Dr. C taking me in his office and letting me calm down with her. With or without that fight, i needed to go. Nice words being purposely kept quiet because they were needed… and we had just grown apart. The last 1-2 years, I watched us try to make ourselves be those same people… but they didn’t exist.

You spend almost a decade with someone, you grow up in a transitional phase in adulthood, but sometimes you grow apart. Me 5 years ago would have thought that present day me was weird as fuck. What do you mean I’m obsessed with dinosaurs and justify wearing Vans everywhere?

Life doesn’t get better… It just gets different.