tarynitup

Anxiety isn’t something a lot of people live with daily. People get anxious, sure… but general and daily anxiety- not everyone gets it. Not everyone gets that some days, it feels like you’re trying to constantly outrun a monster that’s trying to steal every last ounce of air in the world. Your chest gets tight, your throat closes up like you’re having an allergic reaction to life, your hands start to tingle as all the Co2 leaves your body because you have totally forgotten how to breathe. Your hands and feet sweat and get clammy, your vision gets blurry/shaky, your legs are weak… and you have to just sit there and try and control it, try and work with it and not against it. Most of the time, it comes out of nowhere. Some days, I know it’s coming, and there are just some days you can’t outrun it. I used to let it consume me entirely, and sometimes it probably still does. The way it was explained to me was “my anxiety kept me busy and my ADHD had trouble keeping up with the direction my brain was trying to go in but my anxiety was trying to keep me busy because when I sit down and have nothing to do, that’s when the feeling of a bus running into me starts”.

soooo, my anxiety and ADHD are just a defense for my brain so I don’t go into a depression hole? sure.

I thought it was just total bullshit. I thought I just had trouble focusing, and was just more generally anxious than the next person. But then, I was alone more… and I found myself slowly eliminating hobbies, staying in bed more, becoming such a shell of a person because I was just so.fucking.exhausted from existing every day. After 2 years of hell, you find out what you want in life, how you want to be, the kind of life you really do want to have… and people who tell you to “want what makes you happy” then turn into “you shouldn’t want that, you should want to be on your own”. If someone was in a horrible relationship for 7 years, and was single for most of 2 years, and then realizes “hey, I want to be married with a family at some point but with the right person that is patient and calm”- LET THEM WANT THAT. If that person has been so toxically independent for the last 2 years with the motto of “I don’t need a man” and all of a sudden, they’re like “hey that’s kind of cool that someone lifted heavy shit for me” DOES NOT MAKE ME LESS OF MY OWN PERSON.

I realized that the hardest part of myself to accept was that I wanted to love someone unconditionally. I wanted to do everything for someone, to make them feel cared for. Mutually, obviously… but I want to pick up clothes and be the one that bandages all of the ouchies and the one that people come to because they know I love them. I want the life I wanted when I was younger and was taught not to want. And it’s okay if you want that. It’s okay if you want to be alone forever.

but don’t shame people for wanting to be in a healthy relationship where both people give it everything to make it work, and don’t shame people that don’t ever want to be in a relationship again. either way, let people want what they want. don’t cause anxiety for a person who just wants to love someone that loves them back.

we wonder why the world is so dark. you don’t always get back what you give, but we don’t realize that WE don’t always give back to what people do for us either.