tarynitup

Self-awareness is weird. It’s hard. It’s hard to know that you’re being toxic or that you notice signs of others being toxic, but you never are fully sure how to fix it. Therapy is overwhelming, which is why I stopped… I couldn’t handle being aware of my past issues showing up in my current situations that had NO issues, except the borrowed ones from my unresolved problems from my past, completely unable to fix it. The hardest thing I had to learn in the last year was that I was indeed, a lot of the times and 99% unintentionally…the problem. I think that’s why I hated anti-hero so much.. until I fully listened to it and it hit me in the stomach. I thought at first it was justifying being the issue. After listening to it a few times, I matched up so many parts of the song with how I feel about my own life.

Lying awake at night, unable to sleep, thinking of all the past things I’ve done wrong, wondering if my current pain is just a messed up form of karma. I get older, but the same issues are still there. (my least favorite and now favorite part of the song) I realized that it was the same as my own shame, self-loathing, self-criticism, not being proud of it, and downplaying the struggle that goes along with it. Feeling anxious about getting older, looking like a monster vs. the younger females… every females fear of getting older and the idea we had shoved in our brains about how men like younger women. More added anxiety. The mental exhaustion as you’re downplaying being the opposite of a hero.

It’s not always like that. It’s a cycle. We try our best to shove down the trauma like disgusting vegetables your grandma makes you eat and maybe if we keep it down, it stays down. It never does. Trauma is like the stupid hair you can’t get out of your mouth, but it’s your own hair and it’s every other time you take a shower. Self-awareness, that’s the first way to stop it. The hardest thing about that is.. you have to swallow the pride pill. You have to accept that “my reaction is on me, and it’s because of ***, but it’s still on me… is this situation the same or is it different?” and you have to step out of your feelings to answer that and be objective. After many failed attempts at that, you learn to accept it. Eventually, you say it out-loud. You usually say it first to someone you don’t think you could ever see that showing up in… and it’s smart because it never stays gone. It never stays gone because it’s not them… its you. The anxiety and worry of past things happening with future things is hard because its pain, but it’s pain that you’ve made it through… and probably checked a little bit to make sure the water is safe before jumping in. Nobody wants to go through pain once, much less 2-3 times. The hardest part is telling the person affected that “hey, this wasn’t you… this is on me”. I’m bad about it, but it just needs to be simple and to the point. It doesn’t need to be explained unless they ask. The worst thing you can do to someone is let your past shit affect them. Some people won’t understand. Most won’t. But… some do. You have to be patient with people if you are going to want them to be patient with you. Patience used to be so hard for me… in a toxic way. I’ve learned that with me, I can only be patient when I really care about someone.. because it’s extremely difficult for me. I’m an instant-fixer, and I still do it. Because, enter past trauma, I want to fix the issue before I lose or damage the relationship, I don’t want to be taken by surprise. But trying to instantly fix something is the WORST. You haven’t had time to think fully about it, and the words come out jumbled and confusing because you would get your point across if you would have just slowed down and taken time. They haven’t had time to cool-down or think about it. Tension is too high to try and fix every issue right then. Sometimes you can, but sometimes you just can’t.

We all get caught up in our own problems.. the problems we are not at all about to fix… but we don’t check on others. Other people can often offer different insight, perspective. They won’t always, but sometimes when we take a break from focusing on our own problems, we’re able to help someone else and when we come back to OURS, 50% of the time it’s gone. We all get caught up in fear and worry at times, we think things are worse than they are a lot of times. As more people start becoming anxious because of the world we live in, fear and worry comes quicker for more people. Anxiety is a new thing people have to live with. People cover their mirrors and don’t eat or get out of bed because the anxiety is overwhelming. You can’t move, you can’t breathe. Fight, Flight, Freeze… those are the hardest. I’m lucky and have to deal with all of them. I will fight first and then freeze after when trying to cool down, I will leave so fast if I feel uncomfortable, and I damn sure freeze when I’m stuck in the middle. What alot of people don’t know is that fight or flight triggers your nervous system. If you spend 15 years in fight or flight, It’s going to be so hard when your body goes out of it. It’s physical pain when you’re in that mode… freeze hurts the most. Freeze is wanting your legs to move but they feel like they are glued to the floor, and being unable to answer a question and then not able to say anything at all because you can’t choose.

Relationships are the hardest. Especially when you love the person and you would protect them from the things you went through and any pain you felt, along with any pain you know they felt previously too. You know they don’t deserve to have to deal with problems they didn’t cause, and you try so hard to deal with them on your own because it’s not their issue to help with. People that have a lot of trauma, especially childhood/love, will feel like they’re a burden, question self-worth… the worst part is they’re the hardest to love. We’re hard to love. It’s not easy to be loved either. But the sad thing is that when you find someone that doesn’t drain you and makes you feel good and tries to help you and understands you… we never know what to do with it. The more you get hurt, the harder it is to allow yourself to be loved. Have you ever seen a very traumatized person be given a compliment? It physically hurts to see, because it looks like it physically hurts the person with trauma. It’s also hard to be loved. You don’t want to let the person down, you feel damaged… so you must be. You don’t want a lot of things… but at the end of the day, you just don’t want to be hurt and look stupid. You worry about what’s best for the people you love… especially when it comes to being around them. It’s extremely awkward when people compliment me. My social anxiety gets so bad sometimes I cannot make eye contact. ‘keep quiet, you’re a lady, you don’t let them see you upset’… Ok sure.

But out of all trauma comes a lesson, and that’s how I get through it. I know that it might not be right when I feel better, but eventually I’ll learn something from it. The lesson is how you make it through the trauma.

Don’t treat people like people treated you previously. Sometimes, people just have someone that can feel it, and to end that anxiety ferris-wheel, communicate. Don’t compare people. Don’t hold expectations, but have boundaries. Don’t make others pay for trauma caused by someone that doesn’t even deserve to have been able to have you.