tarynitup

If you had told me 2 years ago that I’d be moving out of this apartment and feeling this way, I would have thought you were crazy. If someone came up to me and said “you’re going to have the hardest times of your life in this apartment, mainly this room, and you’re going to learn how to be an adult with the signing of a lease”- I’d think it was dramatic. It’s just an apartment. How could you have feelings about a place you live for such a short time? I walked away from a whole life that was planned out for me, stable in a financial way, and absolutely miserable without thinking twice about it. (Ok it took a lot for that to happen but once I packed my duffle bag, I never missed that house). But… it’s true. I went from that- to staying on a couch with my friend- to going back and forth between her couch and a boys house so she would have alone time- to moving into this apartment. Life gave me a break though- it did. I don’t talk about it, I’m not sure why… maybe its the only time in my life I got hurt without major trauma, it was a very peaceful time…even the break-up (x2) were easy. I appreciate him because he will always be the first male that was truly nice to me when I started over. He was the first genuine person I encountered personally in over 5 years, even as a friend. (then his brother died one of the first nights we hung out and- different story) Life gave me a break for a few months… and even eased into the chaos that was about to start.

Major Lesson #1- Effort is everything. Read it again, tell it to yourself every morning. I was dating a guy that refused to help me move in. I moved down 2 flights of stairs, up 3… with me an my roommate and her friends boyfriend. AND they gave me the wrong kind of u-haul that I had to learn how to drive. I think that was the first time I was disappointed in the lack of effort and the obvious indifference. I had helped him with so much, I helped his mom with stuff. I got my apartment and “I changed, things changed.” For a while- I beat myself up over this. How could I have changed, I was still figuring out who I was! I knew the relationship wasn’t going to be more than it was, and that’s okay. At the time, that’s what I needed. I needed a relationship that started and ended naturally and mutually. I needed to know that it was possible for me to be in a healthy relationship. I guess that’s what it was. (don’t glorify it- i was bored out of my mind) But I realized that yeah, things did change… he had to come to me to see me now. I wasn’t always going over there. So then, “the relationship wasn’t worth what it took”. I now see the effort that it took to drive here from Tyler every weekend for a couple of months. This apartment taught me that if people want something/to see you/to talk to you- they will. If the effort isn’t given back, stop giving.

Major Lesson #2- I’m strong, but only mentally. I googled how to use Drain-O. Yes I know there are instructions on the back. I learned how to make it look like my curtains were hung up when they were indeed, not… and hung up with COLORED tacks. I learned that there’s furniture that takes more than one person to put together. I was slapped with how hard it is to decide on what kind of bedding or what color curtains or towels to buy. How do you know when you don’t know who you are outside of who you’ve been for 8 years, told to be quieter and prettier and to be better. I learned that life doesn’t wait for you to figure it out. A lock doesn’t always keep someone out. The best way I can describe it is moving out of your parents house for the first time. Excited- but totally clueless on how much effort it takes just to exist. I didn’t know before because I was so lost in just making it through my routine and medicating myself as I went along. I didn’t have to think, it was all done for me. This is something that STILL follows me. You should see me trying to make a choice…it’s painful. It’s not that I don’t want to either… it’s the worst. I learned to be capable here.

Major Lesson #3- Being alone isn’t for me, and it’s okay. Am I happy with who I am and can I be happy alone? Yes. In such a toxic way, yes. Do I want to be that way, where I also completely shut the world out? No. I don’t want to be the only capable one. This lesson was a hard one to learn. I moved in, got dumped. Then I was single, had a phase, casually dated for 2 1/2 months and got stalked for 6. Told myself I was going to stay alone, went to Orlando and had my heart smashed 2 months later. Stayed THE MOST single for 8 months, and now not single. The last time being alone- I really thought I was going to stay alone. I was about to be 32, I was engaged for 8 years and left and now had a roommate and an apartment, I was brutally honest and I have no filter. I didn’t need one in the rare event that I even spoke before. I started talking- and a lot of people didn’t like it. Not to mention having 2 daughters. Once I accepted it, it changed. But having a robotic relationship, being alone, having different kinds of other relationships and being alone again… I realized I wanted the life I had before, but with someone I loved. I wanted the wife life, I think I always did. I knew that there was a reason I was only just engaged, and it was on both sides. I hated his clothes mixed with mine, I couldn’t stand if he walked in the bathroom when I was in there… so many petty things! The more I tried to settle, the more petty things I hated. Now, I literally think folding someone’s clothes and making the bed and writing notes to someone is the greatest feeling. I have always been known to be more … selfish in a relationship I was in, friends or guys. I never thought I’d be up at night trying to think of ways to surprise someone to make THEM feel good, haha like what? You can be with someone and not be the same person or always do the same things. If you’re with someone just like you, what’s the point?

I learned a lot about people. I learned that a room can feel like a prison or a vacation. The way your bed is positioned absolutely matters, and don’t get red curtains. Make sure your furniture is assembled unless you have tools, and know what tools do what. I learned how to patch drywall with the mesh. I learned how to put together a smashed computer, with the person that mainly helped me being the one that smashed it. I learned how to exist as myself after I figured out who I was. I have been so confused in this apartment, I have stayed in my room for weeks listening to Taylor Swift. For a while, the only people I talked to were my coworkers and Jonathan from the smoke shop, he was like buddha. As much as I am not looking forward to starting over in yet another way- I’ll always appreciate this apartment and the tiny ass room with the walls that don’t make sense.