tarynitup

I used to think I had loved people the way they should love me. I used to think that I knew what love was, definitely also knowing what it isn’t. I used to think all of my heartbreaks came from an actual broken heart over love. None of that’s true. I loved out of guilt and/or loneliness, thinking this was all it was going to be for me. It was from a place of hopelessness. It was from a place of guilt of not feeling the love they had for me, and wishing to have it back. Not only to not hurt them… but so I could just…be. Also the definition of toxic settling, by the way.

My whole life, I was taught a certain kind of living was just… ‘normal’. Be stubborn. Don’t need anyone. Don’t trust anyone. Needing help is a weakness. Being vulnerable isn’t pretty. Tone down your personality. Don’t talk too much. Don’t laugh too much. Don’t be overly excited… “you’re acting like you have a tail”. People only love you when you benefit them in that moment. Don’t tell someone your real feelings, they’ll hold it over your head. “If you’re always this loud of a person, you’ll scream everyone away.” People’s opinions of you are valid….

ALL CRAP. ALL SUCH CRAP. I was taught such extremes that even the middle ground seems like so much compromise. How are you supposed to grow up and learn how to love and learn how to be loved when you’re taught that another person only hurts you, never benefits you.

I’ve said I love you and didn’t mean it, but I don’t think I fully knew that I didn’t feel that way. I think I wanted so badly to, but when you actually love someone and you compare the feelings… you are able to see what love is and what it isn’t. It still doesn’t make me feel better that I’ve said it without meaning it… but it is what it is and I cared about them in a way, just not how you’re supposed to…

I always wondered if something was wrong with me. I’d watch my friends plan birthdays/anniversaries/valentines day/christmas stuff for their significant other.. and they were always SO GOOD AT IT! They were so thoughtful, and went through so much work.. it was really impressive to me when I really looked at it. After that wore off though, I realized that… I didn’t ever do that. I didn’t WANT to. Not once was I like OH! So and so would really like this… I never could order food for anyone because I didn’t remember what they ate. I forgot birthdays… gave cards for Christmas… HATED valentines day… I never asked how their day was, never remembered their favorite song/movie/donut… I just- didn’t. It wasn’t because I didn’t care.. I just never thought of it. There were random times I could be sweet, so I knew I had a soul.. but if you would have told me that at some point, I’d be planning a surprise gift for someone over a month in advance- I’d laugh in your damn face, haha! Because it was just WORK… and looking back, it was already so much work to be in it… why would I want to work harder? And it wasn’t like they didn’t deserve to be loved. I mean, some didn’t… others didn’t at the end… but it just wasn’t there. I wasn’t aware enough to be able to walk away from it, I just took it and took it until I’d just snap.

Then all of a sudden, I snapped one day… and I was completely alone. I slept on a couch for 3 months waiting for my roommates current lease to end. I drove all the time, I wouldn’t get back ‘home’ until 9-10 because of all the work I was doing to see the girls and trying to learn how to LITERALLY be an adult. I moved into my apartment with clothes, a laptop, and a pillow for my bed that says “hope: v. to have belief, desire, to place trust in life’s plan”. I had no bed. I had bought a mattress that got here 3 days later but I had no bed to put it on. I bought a couch and a TV stand the weekend after I moved in. I had a 3 cube storage organizer and that’s where my clothes were. I had a 32 inch TV 2 weeks after I moved in. It took me 4 hours to put a bedframe together that was half-way done and I couldn’t make even. My curtains were tacked up for over 1.5 years. I didn’t know how to use Drain-O. Anything out of my daily job and then grocery shopping and feeding kids and cleaning and laundry… I was lost. I lost myself. Not in the relationship, but in the self-loathing that came and stayed with it. I didn’t know who I was as a person. I listened to the most basic 106.1 type music. I wore a TON of Nike athletic wear. I didn’t have a hobby. I cried myself to sleep the first 2 months of living in this apartment. I felt so wobbly on my feet. Eventually, I found my music. I learned to eat at a public place alone. I learned what a stud in the wall was… still unsure if you want it IN or OUT… I learned tricks to putting in trash bags. I learned how to put things together. I learned to put myself together. I learned how to build a computer. I learned how to play video games. The best thing- I learned how to travel and feel free. I learned how to go to EDM shows in different cities and states, knowing NOBODY. I learned how to survive a trip to Vegas in less than 13 hours with no hotel, overnight, with no luggage. I learned how stand-by on flights work. I learned how to decide what I liked. I learned ‘me’.

After a while and another distraught let-down, I met someone where I was genuinely so interested in everything about them. What did they like to eat, what’s your favorite cake, favorite movie? What were you like as a kid? Remembering things they liked or mention to hopefully be able to surprise them later with. It also was being able to actually see someone for who they were. All of my expectations weren’t able to fight past my curiosity of everything about this person. Not because I needed to know, but because I truly wanted to be able to do things for them, with them. I was able to appreciate them. I saw how they tried, how their good traits out-shined the mildly bad ones. Everything I was taught was contradicted… and it didn’t feel wrong. I remember one day thinking “this feels different, I should act different” and ever since then, my brain is like a photo book. I’ve probably over-done things a bit, but when you have NO urge to gift or surprise anyone… it’s a nice feeling when you actually give a damn. But you give them things to see them smile, to make their life easier. Not to get them to shut up or because it’s day you feel like you have to. I did things because I WANTED to, and I had always wanted to want that. It made me dig into the parts of myself that were telling me ‘this is bad, this is wrong, they’re just like everyone else and you need to self-validate the idea that everyone is shit and sabotage the hell out of it so they leave you anyway’. It made me really look at the things I did and ways I acted, intentional or not, and decide if that was the kind of person I wanted to be. Not because of them, or to be better for them…but because how you treat others is such a huge part of who we are. When you’re treated poorly, then really well, then gas-lit.. you’re confused and you become confused of how to treat others. You either people-please or you go cold, there’s really no in between. People always talk about how it’s hard to love someone… Nobody ever talks about how hard it is to BE loved by someone… Especially when you love them back and have the overwhelming urge to save them from yourself.

Love isn’t always pretty. Love isn’t always mutual. Love is not always nice. But when you’ve had your heart blindfolded to avoid anything good and you’re finally looking at something you want to be looking at… love becomes a whole new feeling of appreciating someone just for being themselves, for things they do and don’t do for you… and it’s wanting them truly happy even if it’s not with you in their life. That one is how I know love vs. not love. When you know fully that you would do whatever for the persons happiness, even if that meant removing yourself and causing pain for you… that’s self-less love. It’s scary, it’s funny, it’s confusing, it’s painful, it’s annoying, it’s messy, its tired… but it’s so nice to feel when you didn’t know what you were missing.