tarynitup

I have LITERALLY never been so happy/grateful/accepting of who I am more than I have been today. Also- I have realized that I am a chronically late, unfocused, stubborn, and extremely hyperactive then to crash type of person… but today is the first day I’m totally fine with it.

Do I mean to be late? Not at all. Do I like the fact that I pick up one item, just to move to another spot in my room… finding something like a random hat (which I’m wearing) and then putting down the first item and picking up another… IT JUST REPEATS ITSELF. As a kid, I would go to my mom and just cry about cleaning my room, I was so overwhelmed. My brain just functions…. differently.

I’m not the easiest person to always be around, I’m anxious, I just exist loudly… but I have way more pros instead of cons. I think the biggest one is knowing that I just am who I am. I have so much room to improve like everyone, but me as a person- I’m sensitive, messy, hilarious, confusing, moody, sleepy, hyper, talkative, sometimes quiet person. I don’t watch TV, I listen to music all the time. I have contests with myself about how many crackers I can throw in my mouth in a row and make it (currently at 4, thank you!)

I lived all of the later half of 2020 and all of 2021 living the motto “I don’t need a man” and I had tacked curtains. I had my heart broken for the first time ever, and had to have like, a really long conversation with myself. MUST AVOID POSSIBLE PAIN. But, I lack any self-control… and that only lasted for a few months.

I know how to be independent, and I know that I can carry up a weeks worth of groceries up 3 flights of stairs completely alone.. and that’s all great. Does that mean it’s not fuckin nice if someone takes like, a bag? I used to be like eww that’s co-dependency. No, that’s just someone seeing that you’re cutting off circulation on your arm and they’re like hey, let me carry one so you don’t lose the only arm you know how to do anything with.

I had to leave something that was so co-dependent, to where I became toxically independent. Learning that there’s a balance to everything was hard, but it makes things so much easier now. There’s a reason things aren’t made for one. I thought it made me less independent if I had a male, even apartment guys hang my curtains in my room. I fell and busted my ass and limped for over a week because I tried to do something I just physically couldn’t do.

Which is all fine, but it showed me that you can’t go to the other end. You have to be able to function on your own with no help. You also have to have a realistic outlook. Could I actually lift a car or change my oil? No. I can’t even go drop it off haha, I’m too lazy. HAHAHAH I swear to God as I typed that, my mom texted me and said ‘GO GET YOUR OIL CHANGED’. Universal intervention.

Today is the first day I’ve hung out by myself where I didn’t hate myself, literally. I mean, I keep looking at my bed wanting to semi crawl into a depression hole…but this is where the whole ‘let people love you’ come in and some people know that you want to do in a depression hole, and they help you change the habit. That’s the difference between toxic and non-toxic.

Some people come into your life and just naturally calm you, make you feel better, make you think better, make you realize things about yourself.. and some people come into your life demanding what you should be. Usually, the people that are demanding beat you into a beaten dog attitude where you stay. Sometimes, you find a rock and turn it over and it’s a gem.

EDIT:: i am unsure when I wrote this, but it looks too good to not publish.