tarynitup

is the song on taylor swifts new album that hit me the hardest. I sing all of them all the time, except that one.

The last 2 or so years, there was a part in another TS song that I felt pretty hard when I heard it… kind of the same way ‘dear reader’ did. In a song from a long time ago, she says “I’d like to be my old self again, but I’m still tryin to find it.” The last 2 years, that’s how I thought. In the new song, she says “burn all the files, desert all your past lives… and if you don’t recognize yourself, that means you did it right.”

My old self was so scared of everything. Feeling so bold and brave you could burst, but just missing the safety of feeling like you’re allowed to be bold. Music- I listened to what I thought I was supposed to, forgetting such a huge part of my life for years. My old self was okay settling, because it was easy. Wake up, shower, work, come home, eat, watch tv (sleep), bed- repeat. Minimal contact, negative it it was there at all. Neutral colors, neutral hair, no hobby. I had completely molded into this miserable person that laughed so hard on the inside, with absolutely no smile on the outside. Always taking the long way home, thankful for traffic. Working extra just to be gone. Yeah, and I wanted to be that again?! Gross.

Finding this girl was hard. There were a lot of tears. A lot of doubt. A lot of questions. A lot of pain. This time though, I went through it. I dealt with it, learned from it, streamed/blogged about it… I got through it. Instead of medication or sleeping through it, I got myself through it. Instead of numbness, the pain turned to strength. The doubt went away. Pride came back. Sorry was said less. More Vans were bought, more EDM show tickets, more festivals, and a ton of ILLENIUM. Heartbreak, and then the love that you get once in your life if you’re really lucky and patient. This girl shoves pizza in her mouth, wakes up in the middle of the night and eats a honey bun (fried oreos if they’re present), listens to a ton of dubstep/taylor swift/illenium, laughs and giggles, has a nose scrunch for a bass face, and peed her pants during a TVBOO set and isn’t ashamed of it. She spends an hour trying to get glitter glue out of her hair, she goes on last minute vacations (sometimes with no hotel planned), she This girl is ridiculous, dramatic at times, really grouchy if I’m hungry… haha and it’s okay. This girl is also brave, funny, sweet, a master multi-tasker, finder of all lost things, best in bad situations, and has nothing but love in her heart. Some people go so cold after a lot of pain. I tried to, I just never could. I used to get so PISSED. Now, I just know that’s how I am.

If you love yourself, it’s also about accepting the things you don’t like. We can’t like every thing about ourselves, especially the older we get. We can change habits, we can mature, but some things are just in our DNA, it’s who we are. If you don’t love yourself, you attract people that feed off of that. If you love yourself, you attract people that love you.

When you start to love yourself, the people that don’t have your best interest at heart get upset and leave.

Let. Them. Go.

Shove the pizza in your face.

Watch the sunrise at the ocean. It’s the f**king sea, who cares if it’s not a resort.

Dress up as a bunny in a onesie when it’s cold outside. Go to the festivals. All of the festivals.

Go on the date, even if you think you’ve given up.

Appreciate your friends, even if you don’t get along every single day. Love them.

See the sunrise on the side of a mountain. Go on the vacation.

Mess up on taking a picture and be able to see that it turned out to be a cute picture.

Feel different kinds of unconditional love.

Raise good humans. Love them with everything you have, you’re all they’ve got.

❤

-t

be unapologetically you.