tarynitup

I thought I knew what walking around as a shell felt like. I wish I had known there was a feeling of being alone that I never knew existed, and couldn’t run away from. 5081 reasons to leave, 0 to stay. The autobiography of my mistakes. It’s hard to write out a story and try to not justify when you’re huddled up and hit send and let out what can only be called a pathetic sad girl howl. You want to be done writing that story in the adventure book so badly but you have realized your editor is actually your co-author, and without them there is no adventure book. Without beauty, the beast is a beast. Alive and existing, but gross mode. Nobody’s seen gross mode but belle.

Trying to be present in every moment I can be with a feeling of only half of my soul showed up to the party today. Laughs and families and kids and chlorine and gallons of kid pee- it’s still you. It’s always been you. My thoughts that were “when is this going to happen” have turned into “please don’t let this happen- I only worried about it too much because the loud noise in line for the ride got louder when we had to lift the tube up the stairs”

I started therapy in the beginning for toxic compartmentalization- the ability to forget things ever happen to avoid pain had made me forget chunks of my life. Never did I think my therapist would say “why would i try to change this now, when this has been how you’ve survived over 30 years. Cope and adapt, grow and evolve. I just knew fight or flight.

Then I knew brunch or lunch, long or short adventure, is your heart happy, can I get you anything, sweet girl, yes you can pop it, etc… Yes I’ll watch this video you think I’d funny but it’s not but I’ll huff air out of my nose anyway.

-t