tarynitup

Any home video you watch of me- before I do anything… I counted to be ready. Not 1,2,3 or 3,2,1 – 2,3,2, go! Jump, step, step back- go at 2.

little t, you deserved to go at 3. they didn’t correct your counting. They didn’t see that you were telling them, before you even knew, you were hesitant. To do anything fun but risky, anything scary, making friends… you counted to be ready. You spent more time counting, run at 3 sweet girl… don’t go back wards, don’t say go second guessing that you’re at 3.

little t- doubt and fear will hurt you more than bravery. You’re going to take a lot of hits, don’t keep score. Don’t look over. Dont look back. Look in the mirror for reassurance that you exist. Look at the laughs you give people if you wonder if you’re funny. Watch the tears when people tell you that you matter when they’re hurt because you didn’t think you did. Say the words you mean, because sometimes you might not know what someone needs to hear from you. If you don’t fight for what you want- you cannot cry about it when you lose it. You will always have to fight harder than you think you are. It’s loud in your head sweet t- it’s not out-loud. A lot of people will not hear you, not always for lack of trying to.. your voice is just little when it’s scared. You don’t know when a drop is coming, you never will. Don’t live your life like it’s about to drop though, you deserve more. When it drops, trust there’s a bottom. If you remember there’s a drop, it won’t always feel like a sharp rock. Enjoy the wind on the way down, the more you try to reach out to stop it, the more you’ll panic. The best things aren’t always the quickest. Know your place, know your time. Just because someone stops and notices your sandbox is not a reason to invite them in. You do not owe everyone kindness and friendship because you wanted more. You won’t always get what you give. You won’t always give what you want to get. Be prepared to not get it either way and be thankful when you do.

t- people will leave and not tell you. don’t make people tell you they’re staying when they’re still right there. they will start to not feel seen, and they will leave. Let them. if someone wants to stay, they will stay. You deserve someone to stay without having to ask. You’re going to make mistakes. Only you can fix them, and some are not able to be fixed. Face them. Give yourself grace sweet girl, and do not measure your worth on your ability to fix something, even if you messed it up. Remember when you had to talk to the cops when you and your bff accidentally called 911, they ran home and you had to talk to the cops alone? Remember how they tried to apologize after, but you were already shaking from talking to the cops at 7 years old and it was done, you fixed the problem, but you were hurt they ran away so you didn’t even want them there? Look at it from both sides little t, always look at whatever you’re in from both sides. Shut up. Listen. Respect others voices even when yours isn’t respected.

I want to feel sorry for you little t, but if I do, it means I feel sorry for myself.

We deserve more little T, you can’t change what we had, only I can sift out the dirt from the sand in our sandbox, and that’s ok. It’s not because you are less than, or not enough. It is not your job little one.

Rest sweet girl, because as much as your heart is aching for your best friend to find your sandbox, you have done all you can do from there.

Know that I see you now, and I’m sorry it took me so long to tell you that you can rest. Forgive yourself. Give yourself grace. Do your best every day, even when it’s hard. Fight for what you want while respecting what others want. Be loud with your intentions, but not forceful.

You’re not a victim, a wounded animal, or a stray. You were not found at the pound like our sister says. People are mean t, you can be too. You will surprise yourself. Control yourself. It’s the only thing you can control.

save your soul sweet girl, I got this for us now.

so little t, rest your soul in peace and trust yourself for once, I got this. Pinkie promise.

No more 2,3,2 Go! If you need to count starting at 2, just go at 3.