tarynitup

Each time I told the truth and it wasn’t believed…

“stop, you’re losing me…stop, you’re losing me… i can’t find a pulse, my heart won’t start anymore…for you…cause you’re losing me…”

They sat there and told me they knew they couldn’t tell me I was wrong without knowing the whole story… but they chose someone else, knowing I was having the worst night of my life.

If I was gone, and if anyone else was around me- it was because I didn’t think they gave a shit anymore… because that’s what they were telling me. Whoever I was with was the one that got disrespected the most… nobody would want to be around someone they knew was thinking about someone else, dying inside.

If he had told me “if you do this tomorrow, this will kill me, and I won’t ever be able to ignore the fact that I told you that this would kill me, but you choose to do it anyway”- i would have NEVER done it.

We were both wrong. But he knew I was hoping he would have chosen me, and I was at home all night sleeping… praying he would come up or at least call me…. but all I got was an unsent message….

I woke up today after I had to sign a contract for Kenzie to not be late or not miss any days for 30 days because I’ve done such a horrible job at getting them to school on time…

I tried to be the only fighter in their army… but it’s hard when you didn’t know if you were drafted for the war…

“I got nothin to believe, unless you’re choosing me…”

Their way of saying goodbye to me was sending me Roku by Katastro.

They made their final choice. I have to eliminate myself from being an option.

My heart is more broken than it’s ever been…

They tell themselves things to make it easier for them… and they have no idea how much I used to cherish Cali Vibes.

I’ve talked to my family about moving away for a year, and surprisingly… they support it. They know I’m not okay. Me and my brother have been looking at small places near Austin. I’ve decided I can’t go to any shows in Dallas for a long time. I cannot see them.

They have no idea the things they’ve done that have crushed me… and they’ll never know.

They don’t see that there’s really not much to admit to anymore. They underestimate the love I had for them…

None of it matters now…. I don’t think it’s mattered for them for a while now.

They’ll learn that you don’t really know what you have until it’s gone… and I’ve never been gone to them.

If they ever try to reach out, it would be one time, and they’d give up.

I lost my Thursday night and I’m going to be in a lot of trouble with Kenzies school because she was late, thank GOD my mom was in denton and was able to get them there.

Yesterday, talking to a friend I actually met on BumbleBFF, she reminded me that everyone makes mistakes… and I have to pick myself back up because nobodys there helping me up. They looked past me to go to someone else.

It makes me regret the time I had someone really into me.. and I blew it for someone that was never really into me..

“I’m still here after 9 months, I’m still talking to you!”

Yeah, because they hate conflict and hate when someones mad at them.

The only way I can describe this feeling is that I’m starting to not love them… at all…

For the first time since I met them, after last night… I don’t want to love them anymore.

They have no idea the hell I went through, the dreams I had… or how I felt seeing that unsent message.

They don’t care- but this blog post is like the one I wrote the day before bear grillz… it’s me letting them go.

It’s me letting go of a false future, empty words, promises to help me with things with my house/car and never doing it for me but doing it for other people. It’s letting go of constant heartbreak.

They have wanted someone better since they left me in April.

They didn’t love me like they thought they did… I hope they find it… and I hope I never see their face again because it will absolutely destroy me.

What brought me comfort before only brings me immense pain.

She’ll watch his dog. She’ll get the pictures. He’ll call her when he’s not at his festival.

I have to move forward without an apology from him…

My closure was me begging him to not hurt me… and I was asking him this as I woke up from his house that morning…

How would he feel hanging out with her if she had her ex in her bed the day before he saw her…

That’s why I haven’t dated. My date last week told me how wrong it was, disrespectful, and how degrading to myself it was to date when we weren’t ready… “if he feels the need to walk up to you, he still cares… and neither of you should date if you still care.”

They want to act like me going to Trilogy because they wouldn’t see me, talk to me, any of that- they want to act like it’s the same… it’s not.

The conversation we had the day I woke up from their bed and kissed them goodbye was not the same one we had before I left.

Are they really going to ignore the pain their words caused? The confusion? Seriously?

I don’t want it anymore. I don’t want someone that will hurt me if they think they can justify it.

It’s done. I have ignored so many people that have asked me out and it was because I knew I wasn’t ready.

They’ve been ready for a long time. I was a pawn… and I’m done.

I

am

done.

My heart is broken.